Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) - Your daddy will say "Son, you are going to drive me to drinking" if you do not stop driving that hot-rod Lincoln.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) - You'll realize that your gun rack looks terrible in your IROC, but to hell with what others think and to hell with the stars.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - This never ever applies to Sagittarius's. You guys totally gobble donkey balls. You and your Geo Metros.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - You'll briefly consider the virtue of an automatic transmission and a car that gets more than 8 miles to the gallon, but don't worry, you'll burn out a hundred feet of screaming rubber and come to your senses.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - Your friend will suggest "punch it dude" when mullet-man challenges you in his El Camino and you so totally will.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) - Using the rule of "Heaviest Gets Right of Way" will land you in jail this week when you seize your long awaited opportunity to merge aggressively in to a pair of ten-speeding Mormon missionaries.

Aries: (March 21-April 19) - Your V8 rumbles like a Bayliner and your girl calls your hoopty wreck a boat. From now on, insist that everyone call you captain.

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) - Calling all rice burners "Jap-Crap" you'll race for the pink slip on Tuesday only to resume commuting on a Schwinn Wednesday.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21) - Despite what proponents say about the weight of a 472 Caddy big-block, you know you'll take the drags with a four-barrel if you don't break out… oh yeah, and you're a car geek.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22) - Don’t name your car after your girlfriend, cause if your car gets totaled, looking at that bitch’s face will constantly remind you of your lost, true love.

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22) - Savor this moment when premium unleaded is under two bucks a gallon, soon your kids will be off to war and you'll be paying about three, three and half smackers just to burn out in the Stop N' Go parking lot.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) - Maybe you wouldn't be a virgin if you had more torque... P'shee-ya, you panzy.

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