Man’s best friend will be joining the Berrien Springs-Oronoko Police Department in May. He will be part of a new canine unit which is being coordinated by Patrolman Shawn David. The new police dog will help BS-OT police officers see to arrest criminals, sniff out drugs, and hit the urinal when they take a piss. The decision to add a dog to the force is a controversial one. Many residents sympathize with the canine. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals are protesting the move, contesting that the innocent dog shouldn’t have to work with a bunch of overweight pigs.

The decision to get the seeing eye dog comes after a catastrophe has hit the BS-OT police force. Many officers have been stricken blind suddenly, and the cause of their blindness is due to their previous animal on the force, a pet monkey named Spanky. The monkey received its nickname after officers were caught spanking it night after night. Due to federal regulations the force was required to stop spanking their monkey. Spanky has since been released in the wild. But he suffers from nightmares about his past life on the BS-OT police force and he attends therapy sessions once a week with his animal psychologist, Dr. Gerry Affe.

The canine, a three year old German Shepherd female named Dolly, is the first dog ever to have made it on the force. According to our sources, this is the first time any BS-OT police officers have worked with a bitch, except for that time Marian Kiljoy was on the police commission. Before his departure, Spanky the monkey met Dolly the dog and gave a little advice to his fellow animal. He urged Dolly to stay in shape, and resist the temptation of jelly donuts that officers are so vulnerable to. Also he said to resist all temptations to sniff crotches and lick her own ass. “That’s the Chief’s department,” said Spanky. Dolly welcomed the advice with a hearty bark, and commented to the staff here at the Urinal Era, “Yip, bark, bark, ruff, ruff, grrrr...” which means “I’m looking forward to serving my community as best I can,” in dogspeak. With dedication like that, we can only hope that Dolly gets the respect she deserves.