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Wiley; "Frivolous Lawsuits For Dummies" tm
Consistently topping the New York Times best seller list isn't enough, J. Wiley Press has pushed the envelope yet again.
Their new series of instructional guide books, slated for shelves in time for the Christmas buying lul, include "Frivolous Lawsuits for Dummies", "Corporate Threats for Dummies", "Webmaster Intimidation for Dummies", "Liberal Trademark Interpretation for Dummies" and also, "Drink your colostomy bag before I'll let you say the words 'For Dummies', for Dummies".
Proving their motto "success breeds assholes" has not only been a religious mantra throughout their books, but is truly a corporate philosophy. This week, www.stickykeys.org became the latest victim of their wrath. The mega-giant (affectionately called Dummy-Corp by it's most blissful fans) has continued systematically pursuing anyone who uses or utters the phrase "for dummies" (TM) in the claim of trademark protection.
Wiley Press claims that Sticky Keys article, "Necrophilia for Dummies" clearly misleads readers to believing that this is a trademark product released by Wiley Press, despite a clear satire disclaimer, lack of resemblance to the trademark, and the fact that the word "necrophilia" is in the title. When asked where they get the balls to pursue satirists who clearly make no profit from the parody, Ward Skeel-Petrie, a completely fictitious representative from J. Wiley Press, who's name I just made up, just now, and has no bearing on any real person or persons, responded, "We don't have or need balls, that's why we have attorneys send threatening and baseless letters, you ignorant jackass."
Online Dummy fan forums have already suggested "Get a life, for Dummies", "Grow up and take a joke, you pussies, for Dummies", "What's yer friggen problem? For Dummies" and "Fuck those for Dummies Guys, they sound like a bunch of dicks."
In other news, those wishing to contribute in advance to the Glossy News legal defense fund may do so by contacting the editor directly. We gladly accept cash, checks, PayPal, food stamps, MDMA, all forms of sex, bootlegged copyright material, stolen credit card numbers and foreign passports. This is satire and they can pursue me if they like. For that matter, they can easily track my home address where they may service me in a number of ways... I think I'll even post this in my archive under "...for dummies (tm)" just to see how quickly I can fetch their Wiley attention.
Amazing X-10 Buys Yahoo for Cash
In a surprising, last minute bid, this week Amazing X-10 Camera Corp of Modesto California announced the success of their $84 Billion cash deal to acquire Yahoo.com.
"We didn't know we were for sale," said James Robertson of Yahoo, "But apparently they bought all of our outstanding debt and called it due. [We] didn't really have a choice in the matter."
"Maybe they would have seen us coming if they had bought our amazing X-10 camera, perfect for home and business surveillance," said Giovanni Gandolfini at the press conference while ushers handed out glossy fliers. "All we had to do was buy up their debt at eight times face value and there you go."
Gandolfini will become the first official Yahoo representative who is entirely plated in 18k gold. Their CEO, "Big Slick" Evan will be the first fortune 500 director with entirely diamond teeth.
"It was more than modest folk like us wished to spend," said Gandolfini, "Because we'll now dip to around $18 Trillion in cash reserves, but I guess we can hold off on buying Panama until 2003."
Negotiations become hostile when a last minute bidder drove the price from $36 Billion to the final of $84 Billion. "It was very frustrating," explained X-10 representatives, "Those damn cock enlarger guys came in at the last minute and bid it through the roof. Not only are they shrewd, powerful and cash-ready negotiators, but you should see the cocks on them too. You could if you had our amazing X-10 camera. There were several hidden cleverly under the boardroom table. Very intimidating."
Yahoo intends to alter it's search engine by year end so X-10 comes up first whether searching for linen or apricots. Currently, it only ranks in the top ten.
Inflation Causes Many to Work Past Death
Many are faced with shrinking pensions and want answers of how to stay afloat... let us help. See, Got time to lean, got time to clean, C12
Music 101; How to keep it all straight
Cops Accused of Corporo-Racial Profiling
Many are now targeted based solely on the color of their, er, colar. See, Blue is beautiful, B1
Capitol Hill loses Century-Old Senator to Vermin
After a long tenure on Capitol hill, forces of nature have finally won the better of democratic old-growth. See, Crabs are one thing, but Squirrels?, G18
Hey kids, let's do a word scramble with Dyslexic Dan! See Komix 4 Kids, E7
Citing the despicable and lude nature of their corporate image, Siemens feels the pressure below the (bible) belt. See, Keep the Devil in your pants and out of my appliances, A4.
After a subtle semantic slip, survival becomes the sole wish of a well-meaning moron. See, Sorry Bro, My Dumb, B1.
In order for Glossy News to get you the freshest headlines we print first and ask questions later, or typically not at all. We take full responsibility for retractions and prominently display the truth right up front. See My Bad, ZZ196
Letters to the Editor
Feedback from the headlines to the front lines. See Okay, Cool, Whatever, E8
Go to last week's issue to see what does work.
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