Dear Cassie,

Cassie, Cassie, Cassie. How many times must we tell you? We are either funnier than the bubonic plague and world hunger OR funnier than a crashed truck full of chickens and a colonoscopy. But Enron? Anderson? Come on now girl, those are only funny because their fraud has caused the elderly employment rate at McDonalds to triple in the last 90 days. Sure, it shows them what they get for listening to investment advice from their grandkids. You'd think they would have learned after they lost ten kinds of ass on tech stocks. I say, if you gotta invest, stick with something you know, like Coke. Not Coca-Cola, unless you’re a big fan. I mean Cocaine. Sure, there's risks involved, but that's true of any investment.

Thank you so much for your kind letter and what I really need you to do is to give me one hundred billion dollars. If you don't have the cash handy, just tell people you like to come check us out. We don't get paid to do this, all we get is your love.

XOXOXO

Editor

PS I hope you weren't being sarcastic, because we really do love you. We're not just saying that because we want something baby, really. Come on, it's okay.