Flashback: When Ed Balls Almost Saved the British Economy


This story from a while back shows Ed never quite succeeded in his plan to save the British economy.

Still, like all politicians, he did have good intentions; and that’s all that matters!


Ed Balls has been finding it difficult to come up with a suitable infallible authority to point the way forward for Labour’s next election.

Yup! He tells us that Marx and Engels are, well, a bit old hat, Stalin a bit nasty, and as for Trotsky, well the Trots just irritate the hell out of him…

Can’t say I don’t feel the same, man!

To make matters worse, even his mate Tony has lost a bit of lustre over time.

However, when he consulted with his latest policy guru, Chomskap Mithra, something just clicked in his head.

“You wouldn’t believe it, would you?” he gushes, reams of ink-spattered string-cheese leaking from his open palms.

“Yes, Chomskap Mithra told me that reality was actually merely a metaphysical illusion.

“No, really! All my life, the biggest difficulty for renowned and widely-famed edgy economic authorities like me has been reality.

“Yes, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to make that correspondence between what you dream up, and what actually happens.

“Well, it’s only when, Chomskap Mithra told me that the world is whatever we want to make it, mind is over matter, that I realised there will no problems when we come to power…

“Sorry, I mean get elected.

“Just semantics, man! Who cares about all this wordy-high-falutin’ stuff…

“Yes, I learned that phrase from Sarah Palin…

“Truly, neither left nor right!

“Oh, by the way, apparently money is socially constructed, too.

“Speaking of which, to hell with John Searle, if you want to know the absolute truth, it’s all in Derrida!

“Oh, and I just can’t believe I used to be such a hard-bitten metaphysical ideologue… should have listened to Marx more!

“I mean, it’s so obvious when you think about it; talk about Schrodinger’s wallet! The money is only there as long as I believe it is there; it’s only not there, as long as I believe it’s not!

“Well, talk about quantum wisdom!…

“No, I’m serious, please do talk about it! Because people keep laughing at me, so I hope The Greater Good and Universal Interest will be nicely served by a larger number of numbers, in future. I’ll let you be in the first ten million…

“Or wait, what comes before ten million?

“Oh, I do hope George from Eton can help me out with this one.

“… Or maybe “Bill,” at a push? :(((((

I ask His Most Exalted Non-Mainstreamy-Count-To-Three-iness if Guru Chomskap might be willing to become a top adviser for Labour.

Balls frowns and meditatively (if not ponderously) murmurs:

“Chomskap Mithra didn’t seem too happy when I suggested that. I don’t know why, we have so much in common.”

Can’t argue with you there, Ed….

Well, not this time, anyway.


This text has been disrespectfully caricatured as highly partisan in character, and should not be read anywhere outside of The Free World. Reparations on a postcard, please.


Originally published:

The Spoof.

By Ed_balls.jpg: Modifided by Jarvinderivative work: Kwekubo (Ed_balls.jpg) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 or GFDL], via Wikimedia Commons

Author: Wallace Runnymede

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