DUP Unsure Why They Find Jihadists Objectionable

The Democratic Unionist Party, not to be confused with the Worker’s Party of North Korea and the Taxpayers’ Alliance, have always been among the staunchest opponents of reactionary social norms and backward, superstitious obscurantism.

Well, at least when these civic abberations are coming from non-evangelical-fundamentalist sources, anyway!

But when challenged by perfidious Celtsman Andrew Neil of the BBC, DUP head establishment doorstop Darlene Whatever-the-Name-Is appeared to genuinely struggle to articulate why she considers the jihadist menace to be such a big deal.

The boisterous saffron superstar growled out:

C’mon now, lassie! You are supposed tae bee in gurnmint wi’ the Tooooouuuuuries! ‘N’ ye mean tee say ye dinneeeeevn knaw preciiiiisely warritiz aboot the jeehadeeeees ye dunt even like!

Flouncing Foster replied:

Well, to be fair tee ye, now, Andrewwwww, we just thought it was a wee bit ungodly, and all that there, now!

This comment was not well received.

Och now! Did yer ma drop ye on the head as a wean, Foster! Sure don’t the jeehadeeees clee-um tae be doin’ exactly the same thing as you folks!

A rather baffled Foster asked for further elucidation from the half-Anglified Bard o’ Bannockburn.

Spiky Andy responded:

Well, they think gay people, or as you folk call them, ‘Sodomites,’ are headin’ for the eternal hellfire. And a weeman’s place is in the home. And people o’ ungodly accursed religions and other blasphemers shall undergo eternal punishment for their satanic wiles and blasphemies!

Immediately perking up, Foster muttered that if the DUP were open-minded enough to do a deal with Sinn Fein, they could probably stretch to a meaningful political compromise with the jihadists. After all, their religious and moral differences are fairly inconsequential compared to the vast gulf separating good godfearing Ulster Prods from the perfidious, Papish, Romish heure o’ Babylon!

 

Author: Wallace Runnymede

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