In a clever, sage move by president elect Donald Trump, Alaska will be returned to Russia on January 21st, 2017. “We stole these lands and they have to go back to their rightful owners.”
The United States purchased Alask from Russia in 1867 for the staggering sum of $7.2 million. Russia had territorial claim, but no real settlement, so the transfer was seen as a win-win, unaware of the future geo-political implications.
“We don’t even use it,” said Trump. “What’s it for? Sure there’s some oil and penguins up there, but they aren’t like us. Just because you’re Nanook doesn’t mean you live in my north.”
Vladamir Putin showed an uncommon expression of joy upon hearing the news, nodding his head one time. “Stealing Alaska for imperial aggression was wrong, but America has made right from it,” said Putin through two or three interpreters, each arguing with one another about what was actually said and how it should be translated.
The Alaska Re-Patriation Isn’t Free
The good news, according to incoming White House press secretary William Bush, is that, “It’s not like this is going away for nothing.” Press kits handed out on the material appeared to be in Russian, but one reporter apparently reads Russian. He asked, “Is this correct that we’re giving them back the $7[.2] million dollars plus interest, plus 150 years of oil royalties on the trade?”
Secretary Bush was unfortunately called away at that moment to what he described as a “very pressing business matter because I am a business man,” but subsequent reviews appear to show that $190 billion will be transferred directly to Russia along with entire ownership and control of Alaska.
Denver Post reporter James Cragill asked, “Won’t this put Russian nuclear arms within 375 miles of US soil?” to an empty podium, but no answer was received, as Mr. Bush had long since been escorted away from the press briefing room.
Washington Post writer Klar Marma asked, “are we concerned that we’re giving Russia too much in this transaction?” from the sequestered press bunker six miles from the White House, but the wifi wasn’t working, so no answer was available, though no one was on the other end to hear the question in the first place.
“Hey, come on, it’s not even like the nukes will be as close as they were in Cuba,” said internet user FickboiMAGA1999, the closest thing we could get to an official statement. “Besides, Cuba is hot, you dumb f*#cking f@gboy!”
Congratulations are in order for the US residents of Alaska, as they are now apparently dual citizens. None were available for comment, oddly, but I’m sure they’re just… you know, I’m sure they’re fine.