Sexual Identity Cr-ISIS

Mosul, Iraq—This week, rebel fighter under the banner of ISIS, began destroyed over 100,000 volumes of rare, historic books.

A month prior, ISIS fighters raided the University of Mosul’s library and burned hundreds of books of cultural significance.

Why the sudden turn from enforcing strict sharia law, to now, burning antique Arabic literature? University of Mosul historian Rahman Al Salami explains, “Butt stuff. Lots and lots of butt stuff.”

This came as a shock to many in the jihad community. Professor Salami continues, “The texts that were burned by ISIS were a detailed history of the organization’s roots, which involved centuries of graphic accounts of man-on-man sexual intercourse.”

“If news of this nature broke, ISIS recruiting number would drop dramatically,” said U.S. State Department official Dan Waterman.

Glossy News attained an exclusive interview from Mosul’s number two militant leader, Al Ruhb Hisnoby. It should be noted, his accent was thick, and his understanding of American colloquialisms, questionable. Our editors did their best to correct any confusion.

Al Ruhb Hisnoby stated, “Rumors, inyourendo (innuendo) and buttbiting (backbiting) are typical for the West but not for our devout followers. We do not have a history of dears and Twinkies (bears and twinks) like infidel American. We have men who stand together, united. Imagine one thousand men united in a giant circle, hardened by war, like meat is hardened by fire.”

I asked Hisnoby if he was referring to jerky when he spoke about hardened meat. He responded, “Yes. Jerky. Yes, this is what you call it, jerky. I call to all brothers of jihad everywhere. Come to ISIS and join our giant circle jerky.” Tough words from a tough man. It sounds like he really put the ISIS in sexual identity crISIS.

In unrelated news, San Francisco saw a huge increase of passport and visa applications to Iraq for men between the ages of 19-27.

Author: Thaniel D

Thaniel has lived in every region of the United States. He has accomplished ten's of great things, culminating in a self guided tour of the Budweiser factory. He has been the low man on the totem pole over one thousand times and ridden a camel at 3 different state fairs. Beat that CV beaches.