Real Christians needed to help remove Arabs

The ad read “Real Christians needed to help remove Arabs” so I called the number and pretended to be a volunteer. A pleasant, cheery woman’s voice responded.

CAFI: Christian Alliance For Israel. Doing God’s work.

Barb Weir: Hi. I saw the ad for real Christians and I want to apply.

RIGHT: Christians do God’s will. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

CAFI: Are you a real Christian?

Barb Weir: I guess I’ve always had doubts, but it sounds like you would know who is and who isn’t a real Christian.

CAFI: Indeed we do, and if you aren’t, we can make you one!

Barb Weir: If I qualify, what do you have in mind?

CAFI: As you may know, real Christians support Israel, and that’s what we’re about.

Barb Weir: What should we do to support Israel?

CAFI: I’m glad you asked. First, we need to help Israel take all the land it needs. This is what God requires.

Barb Weir: What land is that?

CAFI: Nobody knows for sure. We just have to help Israel take whatever it can until it says it has enough. Definitely it includes all of Jerusalem, the West Bank, the Golan Heights, south Lebanon, most of the usable part of Jordan, the Sinai, and probably parts of Saudi Arabia, maybe all of Jordan and additional parts of Syria and Iraq. It’s really up to them to let us know. It’s God’s will.

Barb Weir: After that, then what?

CAFI: There are two other steps, but we don’t have to wait until the first is completed in order to begin them.

Barb Weir: What do you have in mind?

CAFI: The second step is to help Israel liberate the land from the people living on it. It really doesn’t make much sense to take the land if you can’t remove the people. This is what God wants.

Barb Weir: You mean the Palestinians?

CAFI: For now it’s mainly Palestinians, although in the Golan Heights it’s Syrians. Later, we’ll be talking about Lebanese, Jordanians, Egyptians and perhaps Iraqis and Saudi Arabians. But right now we need help with the Palestinians. God will thank you.

Barb Weir: What can I do?

CAFI: Until now, Israel has used mainly traditional methods of removing Palestinians, such as killing them, confiscating their land, taking their water, expelling them, denying them access to education, medical services, transportation, means of employment, etc. We know that this is God’s will and of course we support all of these blessed acts, but we want to try a new experiment. That’s where you come in.

Barb Weir: How can I help?

CAFI: We want you to join a team of volunteers that will go into the Palestinian communities and convert them to Zionism, so that they will see God’s purpose and expel themselves.

Barb Weir: Really?

CAFI: Yes. We’ve never tried it before, and it will make things so much easier for Israel. Some of the Palestinians are Christian, too, although not real Christians like you and me. Once they see the light, they’ll want to abandon their ancestral homes and turn them over to Israel, the way God has instructed.

Barb Weir: Sounds like a great project, but you said this is only the second step out of three. What’s the third?

CAFI: We haven’t really done much on this yet, but it’s to get all the Jews in the world to move to Israel.

Barb Weir: What if they don’t want to go?

CAFI: We know that it might be a hard sell for some, but we feel sure we can get them to move, with God’s help.

Barb Weir: How?

CAFI: The same way Israel has managed to get so many Palestinians to move. It’s God’s work, you know.

Author: Barb Weir

Barb Weir is the pseudonym of a writer and social justice advocate in the San Francisco Bay Area.

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