North Korea’s new supreme leader, Kim Jong-Un, has come under fire from his generals for possessing what some would call, “stubby, chubby child-sized arms,” a claim vehemently denied by state media.
“His arms are not stubby!” said state reporter Steel Cementman. “We just haven’t found the proper metric to measure his perfectly diminutive arms.”
What does this mean for American military leaders? “Well for one thing,” says General Trogg Lodite, “it won’t be difficult for us at all to keep the supreme leader at arm’s length. I mean, he’s not exactly what we’d call armed and dangerous, at least not in the same sentence.”
Other North Korean state officials have reported anonymously to China news site About Shanghai that his arms appear to be a full eight inches shorter than would be expected even for his portly, rugged frame.
“The problem is that most [North] Koreans have arms that are much too thin and lengthy,” said Kim Kim-Kim, a well-placed “man on the street” left directly in front of the news bureau, and the only person we were permitted to speak with.
“Since this is the greatest country, and he is the greatest person, he is a model for what all world leaders should be,” she said. “But we do worry about the fact that he doesn’t come close to some, such as Vladimir Putin (Russia) and Angela Merkel (Germany), in the knuckle-dragging category.”
While the reach of Korean arms has always been a question of highest importance, it’s clear that this type o’ dong, similar to the ballistic Taepodong-2 missiles, just doesn’t reach as far as it’s supposed to.
On the other hand, it appears Kim Jong-Un’s feet appear to be freakishly large.
Come on Bee, you know a good journalist has to have a name like Rock, Steel, Granite, etc… I’m sure Mr. Cementman is a real person.
Ooompa Loompa, Kimme-Jong-Un.
Come on everybody, you know the tune.
I think I have met Mr Cementman.