On Monday, President Barack Obama called for a big deficit reduction package to go along with raising the debt ceiling, saying to a reluctant Congress that “it’s time to pull off the band-aid. Eat our peas.” Authorities are investigating why Congress is so battered and malnourished.
Kody Brown of the famous television show Sister Wives announced he is challenging Utah’s bigamy law, stating that it violates both the “12 tits are better than 2” article of the Constitution, and the obscure first amendment guaranteeing the right to have sex with way too many people at once.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s commented this week that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad had “lost legitimacy” after attacks by Syrian troops on the French and American embassies. Al-Assad shot back “What legitimacy, have you seen my wispy pedophile mustache?”
California Governor Jerry Brown signed the first LGBT inclusive education bill into law this week. New curriculums will mandate at least one Lady Gaga song per lesson and extensive instruction on the proper uses of bed skirts.
The Mexican Army found the largest marijuana plantation in the countries history late this week. In related news, all of the Mexican Army is claiming to be ravenous.