SNOHOMISH, Washington (GlossyNewsSA) — It remains uncertain whether legendary correspondent Blake Pennywhistle is alive or dead, but recent developments at least hold reason for hope. A DVD was left taped to the coffee machine at Glossy News NYC headquarters, sometime between Thursday evening and Friday morning.
Surveillance tapes have been studied by Homeland Security in attempts to learn the identity of the person delivering the DVD, since its contents portend a new Al Qaeda offensive. While analysis is still ongoing, it appears the video was left by someone in a fake beard, hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses. Gender of the shadowy figure is impossible to discern, but the FBI believes the sunglasses came from a Target store.
The content of the brief, poorly lighted and very grainy video is said to be potentially a ‘game changer’ by those who have seen it. Anti-terror experts say it could lead to the invasion of some nation with a funny name, most likely Yemen.
Little is known for sure at this writing, but Blake Pennywhistle has definitely been confirmed as the person speaking on camera.
In the video, according to FBI agent Dana Scully, who spoke on condition of anonymity, a disheveled and obviously drugged Pennywhistle relayed talking points and a ransom demand from Al Qaeda.
“He’s sitting in some room, and behind him there’s a banner with Arabic writing. He recites some things about how the Western world will no longer crush Allah’s children, blah blah blah. Then he says $15,000 wired to a numbered bank account or they kill him. We’ve traced the account to Cayman Islands. It’s proving impossible to date stamp the video, but we’re pretty sure the DVD was purchased at a Target store.”
The possibility, no matter how slight, that Blake Pennywhistle still lives, was met with tears and prayers in the Journalism world, where he is widely revered. In a Glossy News exclusive, the Arabic language banner behind Pennywhistle has been translated. According to our sources it reads, “Big buffet, 120 items. Kids under eight eat free.”