UK Teenage Nutters Planned Columbine 2: The Wrath of Khan

Two teenagers planned to blow up a local shopping mall and strafe their school with gunfire in a massacre timed to coincide with the anniversary of a mass-murder killing spree at a US school, a British court heard today.

Ghengis McTwat, 17, and his friend Jacko Scrunt 16, both from the Scumbury Sink or Swim Housing Estate in Greater Smegmadale, denied conspiracy to murder and conspiracy to cause explosions – claiming it was all a bit of boastacious fun that got out of hand.

Smegmadale Crown Court heard the pair of teenage psychopaths plotted to blow up the Scumbury Shopping Mall and rake the Asbo Central High School with automatic gunfire to celebrate the tenth anniversary of the Colorado state Columbine school shooting tragedy in 1999 – in which a legion of teachers and children were snuffed by indiscriminate gunfire.

The court heard hearsay evidence and circumstantial rumours that the pair were obsessed with the massacre at Columbine High School – apparently staged as an April Fool’s prank in 1999 – and wanted to emulate the actions of the two MK-ULTRA brainwashed killers – Kermit von Gaga and Rabid Ronnie Bedlam.

Their two targets were the Shopping Mall complex and the Asbo Central High School – where Jacko Scrunt was still studying for his A-Level exam certificates in Genocide and Ethnic Cleansing – and where Ghengis McTwat had been a former pupil before getting his sorry arse expelled for setting fire to the Maths teacher.

Sir Morton Thort-Nott QC, prosecuting, postulated to the court that the pair had plotted the massacre and fantasised about a sick killing spree while stoned on Meths Breezers and Superglue – then agreed to carry out their plans.

The court heard McTwat and Scrunt had decided to detonate a bomb at Scumbury Shopping Mall as a diversion before driving to their school in a hijacked milk float, murdering teachers and pupils with garrotting wires, axes and baseball bats, then legging it to Afghanistan on the daily Paki-Lines refugee-link bus to sign up with the Slackwater Xe private military contractors as apprentice hit men.

Ghengis McTwat boasted to school friends he had been searching through his Granny’s Argos catalogue, around car boot sales and on the internet for a small tactical nuclear weapon that would fit in his old school satchel – which apparently alerted the International Atomic Energy Agency in Vienna, and the anti-terrorist squads of several Western intelligence agencies – MI6 included – to investigate his intended activities.

Chantelle Mingerot, who had been bonking McTwat since primary school, told Smegmadale Crown Court the brain-dead 17-year-old claimed even friends would not be spared when their ‘Project Blood n Guts’ kicked off.

Miss Mingerot asked McTwat if he would kill her also, to which he replied “Oh yes – mates and slag shags get it first – more so cos you give piss-poor blow jobs an’ grunt like a pig while I’m bonkin’ yer.”

One of the prosecution witnesses, Candida Muffitch, claimed “Ghengis an’ Jacko ‘ad jest give me a great three-hole doggin’ an’ asked me ter look on the internet an’ buy ‘em a hydrogen bomb and some AK 47’s on me Mum’s Paypal credit card account.”

“Anyways I can’t find any shit like that on e-Bay so I posts it on me wish list there an’ goes ter bed like.”

“Next fing the front door gets kicked in at three o’clock in the mornin’ like an’ some plod twat in a balaclava drags me outa bed, sticks a gun in me gob and starts shoutin’ shit at me in Arabic – an’ I pissed me knickers.”

Conversely the miscreant’s defence lawyer Harris McTweedie QC, junior partner of Upshot, Bagshot & Shitpot (Barristers and Commissioners of Oaths), posited to both Judge and Jury “Here we have two teenage fantasists who don’t possess, between them, sufficient brain power to shit straight.”

“I would therefore recommend they be acquitted forthwith and handed over to the US intelligence community as suspected Jihadi terrorists and interred at Guantanamo Bay for a spot of extraordinary rendition to sort their silly ideas out.”

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via