DeVos Proposes to Make Education Great… Again

Washington, DC- Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos cast all doubt aside as to where she stands on the issue of student debt, after issuing a harsh rebuke against students enrolled in government backed student loan programs; in a press conference on Tuesday morning at the annual Federal Student Aid Training Conference in Atlanta!

“These recipients of student loans are crippling the economy. The current student debt is nearly $1.5 trillion, which is about one-third of the government’s entire balance sheet. With nearly 20 percent of these loans delinquent or in default, it is time that the government steps in and protects our financial interests,” she told a gathering of nearly 5,000 financial aid professionals.

“I know it is in your nature to try and offer poor students options for financing their education, but I think it’s high time we start viewing these loans through the same spectrum we view home loans and car loans; looking at income, debt to credit ratios, and maybe require some form of collateral to back our investment. We need to stop issuing loans to the lower ranks of society. As you already know, poor people have no money… that’s why they’re poor. Lending them tens of thousands of dollars to go to school isn’t going to change this. I think we’re setting them up for failure when we tell them that education is the great equalizer. It’s the great myth of this country, and I fear we are all suffering for this.”

“If we are to do are part to help Make Education Great Again (MEGA), we need to look to our past for tried and true solutions to our education crisis. When I was a kid, higher education was a privilege for society’s elite, and those who were exceptionally intelligent. If you didn’t have the money for education, you had the following options. You could earn a scholarship, join the military and let them pay for college, or you could ask your parents to leverage their assets for a loan. I propose that we return to this proven formula. This department has no intention of forgiving student debt in any way, shape, or form… period.  I don’t care what you’ve been promised, we are not here to help you… we are here to make this department profitable. I implore students to face this reality. If you can’t afford your education outright then maybe you should consider joining the work force. Our flourishing economy can provide, and there are some very unique opportunities out there right now. The world can always use more waiters and janitors.”

Upon completion of her speech, DeVos flashed the crowd an “okay” sign, gave a one finger salute, and skipped off the stage. Her spokesperson has declined to comment for this story.

Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA.