Last time, I explained to you how a conciliatory Newt Gingrich™ attempted to liberate America from a very clear and present danger.
That’s right: the mortal peril of bigoted mudslingers holding firmly and dogmatically to merely one-sided and partisan views on the Islamic State.
I quoted Gingrich’s framing of one half of the dilemma: the pro-ISIS story. Because as we all know Newt Gingrich and John Kerry all know, there are always two sides to every story…
But Gingrich is a famously flexible and dynamic political figure. One who is always sensitive to the purely given, objective and value-free constellation of constraints and opportunities.™
Hence, he has had a sudden change of opinion official stance on this deeply nuanced and complex ethical dilemma.
In the previous instalment, we brought you:
Contract For ISIS.
But now we bring you, in the most dynamic, flexible and creatively-context-sensitive manner possible (or indeed impossible):
Contract on ISIS.
Oh, wow! Is this stuff for real?
Well, these guys just have no sense of compromise, civil dialogue or vulgar-Habermasian discourse norms of decent communication whatsoever. I’d never have thought!
Well, we just gotta take care of these bastards, right? Wipe ‘em out! Enough said. Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! YOWZAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
I asked Gingrich what lay behind his apparent flip-flop.
Well, pragmatically speaking, my original speech was about a week ago. And they do say you get a bit more right-wing as you get older.
But yet again, (yes, just wait for it!)…
Well, my critics are engaging in mutual mudslinging, hidebound opinionizing, barrack-room-dogmatizing, the antagonistic scattershot politics of disagreement, etc. etc…
(Oof! Bet you didn’t see that one coming!)
Well?
No! No! Please, please, please believe me, I’m just sick of having to repeat this stuff too!
…
Still, John Kerry (for once in his life) does actually have an opinion on this controversial matter of pressing and crucial importance.
…
Well, actually, he has about a million opinions on it.
But we’ll maybe just leave it here for now.