Nick Clegg might not have won the election yet, but he still has the chance to be the next Anthony Eden…
Or at least David Cameron, at a push.
William Hague: UK. Former Minister for War and Radical Humanitarian Performance Theatre
Pros:
Unbelievably charismatic/genial/witty.
…Compared to Ed Miliband/ Gordon Brown/Enda Kenny.
Pros:
Still, somewhat more crucially: WILLIAM FRICKIN’ HAGUE.
End of!!!
Pope Benedict XVI: Vatican City. The Pope that Pope Francis Always Wanted to be, But Figured it Wasn’t Worth it
FFS! We’re not a freaking theocracy… right?
(Admittedly, being a shitty humanitarian-interventionist comprador-statelet of IntCom ain’t much of an improvement).
…ARGH! Pwnk’d again.
Julian™!… Warned you last time, in the Miliband article…
Yes, you’ll get the fish finger I promised you… later, when the article’s finished. Be a good boy, stay in the attic like TM told you. You know what happened the last time, don’t you?
Guido Fawkes: UK. Reincarnation Of 17th century Notable Catholic Terrorist “Celebrity Militant” Of Relatively Committed Form of Hyper-Catholicist Fundamentalism; Despicable Terrorizer of Our Glorious Leader Cameron & Sundry Inmates of The Golden Pigsty.
Pros:
Amusing source of endless anecdotes on UK political class.
A couple may be true…
The rest are so bang-on-target, we might as well call ‘em true for the hell of it, as the real truth is probably far worse…
Cons:
Guido shuffling into a meagre IntCom politico-military base just a stone’s throw away several yards from Trafalgar Square makes about as much sense as Aung San Suu Kyi joining the Myanmarese government.
Well, actually, the latter makes quite a lot of sense.
…For any Circle-Jerking-Coffee-Room-Humanitarian-Liberation-Warrior™ with more beer-money than completed essays.
Sir Humphrey Appleby
Pros:
Let’s face it, he’s more successful than any Lib Dem figure in history. If anyone can save this party, it’s a jumped-up, pompous, long-winded fictional character from a 1980s sitcom which is currently limited to DVD, online pirate posting on Youtube, or occasional television repeats.
Aye; the non-existent comic archetype in question would undoubtedly make the… the whatever-they’re-called, more successful by far than at any point in history.
I mean, by the end of the election, the Lib Dems might be even more recognizable to UK school children than Guy de Maupassant, Giuseppe Garibaldi, Gilgamesh, or Mozi.
Cons:
But if even Sir Humphrey can’t do that… well, who cares? The Liberal Democrats are the least of my worries.
Disclaimer: I thought I should name a few actual Lib Dems to put in this confidential and entirely non-fabricated leaked transcript, but then I realized I wasn’t able to name any.
Still, at least no one’s criticizing you personally, huh? 😉
Oh by the way: by now, I’ve done Labour, Tories, and Liberal Democrats. I could have done one for Naughty Nigel and the Kippers…
But in case you haven’t already noticed, the problem is that the “notable public figure” Naughty Nigel actually IS the Kippers. How many UKIP candidates can you actually name?