William Hague may no longer be (Anti)Foreign(er) Minister and Vice-Viceroy of the British Humanitarian Empire™…
Nor indeed, a key business strategist for IntCom Imperialist Enterprises™…
Still, he has maintained his healthy, thoroughly admirable, and perfectly laudable interest of all…
To wit, defending those who are oppressed™ and speaking up for those who don’t have a voice™…
As well as, needless to say, clarifying the vexed question of the objective interests of certain “benighted Third World savages…”
They who, if they DO have a voice, should just shut-the-f***-up and take the enema.
Well, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, right? (By the way, the latter is a pretty good Occidentally-civilized trope, isn’t it?)
Those of you who are old or pretentious enough to remember his single and easily most all-too-easily-justifying political achievement (the 1977 Tory Conference speech he gave at the young, naïve, callow, and conspicuously enlightened age of 16)…
Well, you need not doubt that his characteristic eloquent, charming, and disturbingly disconcerting manner have not deserted him; otherwise, some old friends of his might be sending a Drone your way.
Still, whatever his extreme lefty haters might say, it can’t be denied that he has a way with rhetoric.
For, it might have been said in fiction that “The Orient is a career;” but in real life, extreme anti-Tory socialist moonnuttish wingbats say that the “The UK (Bomb a)Foreign(er) Office is a language in itself.”
Still, His Most Exalted Witty-as-F***ness rages:
The GQ editorial regime has been consistently infringing the rights of well dressed, handsome, middle-aged Tory politicians.
Yes! The illegitimate leadership of GQ magazine has now been absolutely and utterly discredited by all the portions of Our Common Humanity which live within The Civilized World, i.e. the entirety of the same.
To wit, the entirety of IntCom, or as the plebs say, the entire International Community; yes, the US State Department and UK Ministry for War have unanimously spoken out on behalf of 60 billion human objects… sorry, just this once, I’m wrong…
Well, not wrong as such, of course; let’s say 70 billion (more impressive, isn’t it?)…
Hence proving beyond all possible psychological, rhetorical, or merely rational doubt, that the GQ regime all have been giving out awards to just about anyone.
We all know that cronyism and dictatorship are always linked. Next thing you know, they will be giving the Whitest Well-Dressed… sorry, Best-Dressed White Male Politician award to my fellow arch-Blairite, Tony Blair!
Or… or even Ed Milliband! URGH! We have to stop them!
I mean, here I am, I was once the Wonder Boy of the Conservative Party, possess a simply splendid GSOH; you know I was always the joker in the pack…
And not only at UN Security Council Meetings and fictional performance art press conferences on Syria.
No, I’ve even been invited to panel shows, unlike Harriet Harman or Nick Clegg…
I’m also known and widely respected for one’s incredible dress sense (anyone remember that crimson baseball cap? Beats those Speedos some White Australasian leader or other was wearing)…
But some years ago (I have a long memory, believe me! I never shut up about 1977, for a start!… Well, actually, not “for a start,” as such; I can’t really think of anything in my career that comes close to that one)…
But yes, not THAT long ago, GQ gave the “Conspicuously-Flashy-Vestuaried-Slick-Politico-Type” award to George Osborne!
His Most Exalted Sharktasticness continues:
Yes… you see, this is dictatorship all over, privileging their wicked and cynically motivated war-chums, and casting their enemies on the scrapheap!
So, if ever anything could justify a UN Security Council Resolution, it’s this!
I mean, we can’t just sit there! Human rights are universal; so, OBVIOUSLY, mine have to be given due weight!
Yes! What kind of cynical trade-off has been perpetrated here?
And no-one is going to tell ME what weight MY rights, i.e. those of the National Interest and Our Common Humanity, should have in proportion to others!
Yes, future generations will judge us if we sit on our hands. As my fellow-can’t-just-sit-there-humanitarian-interventionists Blair and Pol Pot and my third-rate (sorry, third-favorite) hero Lenin said…
This man, a great educator of the ignorant, a spectacular progress pimp, and thoroughly committed lover of Humanity over the so-called “individual…”
Indeed, a great corporatist hero who never disdained to bravely shoulder the burden of saving the ignorant and backward from themselves, whatever the cost…
Yes, as Lenin said, “Let history be our judges!” Or at least the End of History…
…Or as we used to say in Eton, Fiat justitia ruat caelum!
And if I have parsed it correctly (well, why not!), then “Justitia” is justice; everybody knows what justice means, right?
To wit, whenever we enforce social justice (sorry, global justice) on the backward and benighted, the very Heavens themselves will cave in!
I ask him if he is prepared to take on the GQ editorial regime himself; if the appropriate authorities just sit on their hands, that is.
“I believe you can take them on bare-handed, William,” I declare egging him on with a gaze of unmistakably sincere admiration, overcome with awe and humility in the presence of THE SINGLE LEADING LIGHT of 20th Century politics.
No? Hmmm… alright then, let’s throw in an incredibly small percentage of the 21st to boot…
At this, Hague appears disconcerted and mumbles something about having a shampoo shelf to tidy.
I guess that’ll be a no, then…
Well, never mind, William. Democracy always wins out in the end….
Well, especially if the defenders of democracy have big enough guns to liquidate their vicious and brutal enemies in far-off lands (especially all those pesky collaterals)…
In order to gain a slight shot-in-the-arm of moral capital, to sustain their flagging, discredited, widely-despised, and antiquated regimes…
Yeah, I said, enemies; you know, all those pesky civilians who so maliciously, vindictively and utterly unjustifiably render it almost impossible to concoct any remotely “plausible” calculation of collateral damage.
Oh sorry, “flagging and antiquated regimes,” did I say? Did I get things a bit the wrong way round there? What a pity. Please do excuse me.
I mean, I just can’t help my ignorance, because like everyone who has not walked through the hallowed halls of Westminster, I cannot be expected to comprehend the grand Reasons of State…
To wit, the cynical cant that trumps the everyday common sense logic and reasoning of us gutter proles and plebs who infest this ravaged island.
Well, when all’s said and done, as the embittered and depraved Winstons like me throughout history have always acknowledged in the end (at least after enough sleepless nights of the rack and and thumbscrews):
“The White Emperor is Always Right.”
Unfortunately necessary (if also entirely unnecessary) disclaimer: Yes, being “white” isn’t bad (and why would highly-strung, circle-jerking web-users make any assumption as to what ethnicity I might be?)
But treating one’s belonging to an ethnicity as being meritorious in itself, and using it as an easy ticket to global-humanitarian domination, is pretty damn cynical.
Anyway, you haven’t seen Wallace Runnymede in the flesh, in order to “check his tint,” and no doubt you never will… he is not real. We all know who gets to be “real;” and it’s not merely a matter of skin color…
Still, I guess it helps (for some!)
Or not.