Republicans Message to Minorities: “We Cool, Right?”

“…Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chairman, has begun an effort to attract more African-American voters…”
– The New York Times – August 12, 2014

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Republican incumbents and potential candidates

FROM: Reince Priebus

Hey! Wassup? It’s time we get down with our black brothers and sisters if we ever hope to gain full power in Washington again.

First of all, I think it’s pretty clear that we have a problem with the African-American demographic. As you probably know, only seven per cent of black voters voted for Mitt Romney in the last presidential election.

Now short of running a black Republican candidate for president in 2016, there are some things we can do to attract this segment of the voting population. I’ve consulted with some actual black voters and here’s what I’ve learned.

Did you know that Republicans were in the forefront of racial equality 150 years ago? Me neither. So I think we should really emphasize we were the first supporters of African-Americans and that we’d like to be first again despite what might have transpired in recent years.

It wouldn’t hurt to mix in a few ghetto slang expressions. Apparently African-Americans appreciate attempts by white Republicans to speak the argot. Up to a point, of course. So toss in the occasional “we cool” or “right on, brother” but don’t overdo it. Nothing says loser like a white person purporting to be fluent in Ebonics or trying his or her hand at rap (think Karl Rove’s awkward turn as rapper MC Rove back in 2007).

Become a fan of the NBA. Even if you don’t know a basketball from a beach ball, buy yourself some swag from your closest city’s team. Nothing says “I dig my African-American constituents” like wearing a team shirt from the Miami Heat or the Cleveland Cavaliers. Just be careful not to get involved in any debates about Lebron James unless you truly are an NBA fan.

Unless you are black or actually have some black friends, it’s probably best to stay away from physical handshakes or greetings. It may look easy to casually toss off a cool handshake or a fist bump but the permutations and combinations are almost endless and unless you know what you’re doing, you can easily embarrass yourself.

Stress to potential voters that we have lots of African-Americans within the Republican ranks. After all, there’s Michael Steele and Herman Cain and…..Well, that’s two, at least.

Now it’s not going to be easy to attract new African-American voters to our party but with Barack Obama stepping down in two years, the path is open. Let’s just hope the Democrats don’t do something rash like nominate a woman.