DEATH NOTICE – The City of Toronto — The City of Toronto (known to her friends as The Greater Toronto Area or GTA for short) expired on November 14th in the Council Chamber of City Hall.
The immediate cause of death was extreme humiliation although City had been suffering from acute dysfunction for some time. She was 220 years old.
Born in Upper Canada in 1793 as the Town of York, City had a difficult childhood including a traumatic torching in 1813. However, she went on to marry and in 1834 took the name Toronto.
RIGHT: Mayor Ford announced that in mourning of the city of Toronto, all Canadian planes should fly with their tails at half-mast, leading to a number of near-disasters and a complete grounding of all Canadian planes. (CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE)
City enjoyed decades of steady growth and major accomplishments and will be remembered for her many businesses, industries and cultural institutions. She was most proud of her sporting championships in football, baseball and particularly hockey.
Thanks to the hard work and dedication of her citizens, the City of Toronto became, by most accounts, the greatest municipality in Canada and, by her own assessment, “a world class city.” Once somewhat staid and boring, City eventually overcame her more exciting rival the City of Montreal in size, wealth and influence.
Despite her many achievements, in recent years, City experienced declining health. In the late nineties, she put on weight in a common political procedure of the day known as amalgamation.
City slowed down and lost her zest for life. Her once free-flowing arteries became clogged with traffic causing further declines. Repeated flare-ups between her urban and suburban sectors made day-to-day activities difficult.
The once great municipality exhibited many symptoms of old age and suffered a number of difficult losses. She had failed to win a baseball championship in twenty years and, most sadly, had not won a hockey crown in over fifty years. Her sporting hopes in hockey were briefly rekindled last spring but were tragically extinguished in a brutal end-of-game collapse against her hated American rival the City of Boston.
Despite the many setbacks, the City of Toronto remained positive and was taking steps to overcome her ailments. She managed to survive the so-called Lastman Years and appeared to be on the mend until she contracted a severe case of Robfordosis.
Daily revelations of scandal, corruption and inappropriate conduct sent City into a continuing spiral of shame. Although her councilors valiantly tried to excise the mayoral growth that was exacerbating her condition, they were unable to do so and City expired from acute embarrassment. She was surrounded by her Council and various members of the media although sadly her surviving parent, the Province of Ontario, was not present.
A non-denominational service of de-amalgamation will be held this coming Saturday at Queen’s Park. Among City’s pallbearers will be the former City of Etobicoke, the former City of Scarborough and the surviving members of her beloved 1967 Maple Leafs.
Mourners will include friends and immediate family as well as various American late night comics, City’s longtime rival Montreal and much of the rest of Canada who have lost their cherished punching bag. After the service, City’s municipal charter will be interred at Mount Pleasant Cemetery.
In lieu of flowers, memorial donations may be made to the City of Toronto Municipal Debt Relief Fund.