Subspecies’ Ears Slowly Forming into Mouths

WASHINGTON—Scientists announced Monday that the subspecies rabia hospes interruptus is projected to undergo radical physical changes in response to their environment and need for survival.

“Basically, to continue their way of life, these creatures are forced to protect themselves from the dangers of listening to opposing opinions in favor of more effectively clobbering others with their own,” said scientist Colleen Saunders of the overbearing political commentator subgroup.

RIGHT: A depiction of what experts expect the completed transformation to look like. Images by World Affairs Council of Philadelphia, sebas and hectore via Flickr. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Saunders also pointed out that this subspecies previously relied on expressing their opinions with careful, measured screaming.

“Listening only serves as an impediment to the livelihood of these highly territorial and argumentative wights,” Saunders further explained, “so they survive by physically changing in a way that maximizes the outflow of their thoughts and shields them from natural threats such as insight and perspective.”

Fascinated experts offered additional information on how such changes will greatly increase the efficacy of these belligerent bipeds.

“These creatures’ extensive disuse of the ears has caused the body to recognize them as vestigial organs,” said researcher Elvis Metzler. “As they wither away, a mouth will grow in place of each ear, effectively tripling opinion output and interruption capacity.”

Research indicates that this transformation is due to happen at an alarming rate, and experts are stunned that such a dramatic change is happening within a single generation.

“As a shark is designed for predatory greatness, so these creatures will be better equipped to win arguments,” he said.

Added Metzler, “If nothing else, by sheer force.”