Democrats and GOP Anxious to Find Out How Animals That Represent Them Will Fare in Battle For Zoological Dominance
WASHINGTON DC—In a startling attempt to determine, once in for all, which party reigns supreme in US government, members of congress have agreed to let a donkey and an elephant fight to the death in the foyer of the Capitol Building in Washington DC.
The two creatures will be angered by electrical prodding and then released into a small pen where they will be forced to kick, stomp, and smash each others’ bodies until a survivor is deemed victorious.
“We have a bit of a David vs. Goliath situation here,” says Senate Majority Leader and donkey supporter Harry Reid. “But we all know how that story ends.”
Senator Reid’s confidence is echoed by Speaker of the House and elephant backer John Boehner. “This really shouldn’t be much of a fight. The elephant is going to kick some ass, literally.”
Each creature is to be selected out of the wild by members of the political party it represents. A team put together by South Carolina Senator and Republican Tim Scott, aptly named “Red Team,” will go on safari next week to capture its contender. “As one of the few African American Republicans in congress, I stepped up to head this expedition,” says Senator Scott. “I have never actually been to Africa, but I am confident that my roots will guide me to the most fearsome elephant when we get there.”
The “Blue Team,” led by Minority Leader of the House and Democrat Nancy Pelosi, will simply need to go to the nearest farm to attain their donkey. “We may be at a slight size disadvantage in this fight,” admits Congresswoman Pelosi, “but we will have much more time to prepare our ass.”
Members of both parties agree that this fight to the death is the best way to determine which political party is better, especially in the present political atmosphere.
“We know that with all the scandals happening right now, distrust in government is high,” says House Majority Leader, Republican Eric Cantor. “Now is the time for clarity, and nothing is more clear than letting animals determine party dominance.”
California Senator and Democrat Barbara Boxer agrees. “Things have gotten out of hand in Congress,” she says. “As much as many of us don’t get along, we believe the diplomatic solution is to live vicariously through two docile herbivores that will be driven to murder each other for American politics.”
President Barack Obama has stayed relatively quiet about the upcoming battle, but when asked about which creature he thinks will emerge victorious, he revealed that he has begun sketching out an intricate bracket. “I hope to have it filled in by next week,” he says.