WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States.
Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned with the words “Our Market, Our Money, Our Bank Accounts” cheered loudly as House Speaker Paul Ryan read the tally.
“With 357 votes in the affirmative, the Congress of these United States has decided to put the market first. For far too long this sick regulatory environment has been strangling the life out of individualism and family values.”
Shortly after his words, Quakerized Oats announced the Wisconsinite will be the new face of its flagship products, based upon “his fantastic charm and goober blue eyes.”
In Maryland, token libertarian speaker Jimbob Clem confessed he cried tears of joy upon hearing of the bill’s passage. “This is going to revolutionize the market in the United States, serving freedom and freedom’s freedom for all time to come. Next stop for me is Pot City.”
When reporters asked him if America is in fact a nation with standards of human rights and dignity, Clem gave them a coy laugh. “Are you plum haywire? I never signed the social contract, and in fact, there is no social contract, because that would be tyranny. RON PAUL RELOVEUTIONLOL!11.”
Notable libertarian activist Martine Nicole of France also gave the decision her full support. “People are jehlouse of dee winners, and PJ Ryan is a winner. Vee libertarians leeve to serve the market, because the market ees freedom.”
Even President Obama, who has helped gut organized labor by signing three free trade agreements, offered support for the new legislative act. “Fundamentally, America is about money. This new bill will attract jobs to our country, continue expanding globalization, undermine national sovereignty, and destroy the last dregs of the respectable working class. As for the nationalists who care about our workers, I say this: F off.”