FORT MEADE – After gaining word of a tremendous NSA leak, plumbers in Staten Island and across the country dashed to Maryland in hopes of averting an insurance claim disaster.
Led by Joe Wurzelbacher and John McCain, the group of crusading pipe-fixers donned 1UP t-shirts and sang the Mario Bros. theme song as they surrounded the NSA headquarters and formed a human wall against the leaking ooze, which is believed to have originated in a clogged septic tank in the building’s basement.
By three on Monday afternoon, a group of flying plumbers arrived and began firing wads of repair tape at the leak, yet their efforts were mostly in vain. On particularly brave pilot attempted to keep up spirits by frequently pointing out obvious facts, such as:
“There’s the leak! Drainage line’s been hit!”
A little later, his obsession with details came to a head:
“Drainage’s gone! If we can’t clog that drainage line will be sitting ducks!”
By midnight a plan was put into effect, however. In hopes of distracting people from his recent privilege scandal, President Obama hatched the brilliant idea of using fat positive women as human clogs against the advancing ooze. He had Michelle summon around five hundred of the females and bent them over, butt first, to block out the substance. Within minutes, the national crisis had been averted.
“That’s not badass,” said an awed bystander, “It’s flabby butt, and its works better than socialism.”
Although polls have yet to be released, pundits speculate the plumbers, McCain, Obama, and fat positive women everywhere are set to become instant heroes.