Pelosi Uses Assault Weapon, Averts Federal Shutdown

Days after an assault weapons ban was removed from a gun violence bill in the Senate earlier this week, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif, entered house chambers on Thursday, legally equipped with a SIG SG 550 assault rifle.

Pelosi carried the weapon at her side as House members were meeting to vote on a short-term funding measure to keep the government running beyond the end of the month. The bill, which cleared the Senate on Wednesday, was awaiting it’s final passage in the House to avert a shutdown.

“I will keep this government running, dead or alive” Pelosi shouted to fellow members of the House moments before shifting her rifle upwards and firing several rounds of ammunition into the plaster covered stainless steel ceilings of the assembly room.

In an attempt to disarm the crazed representative, Rep. Ben Luján, D-NM, ran a short distance towards Pelosi before he was shot in the leg. “I hope his screams of pain serve as an example to you all,” she screamed as she forcibly inserted the 4-inch heel of her left shoe into the open wound of the congressman’s leg, “because I will shoot and kill every last one of you without hesitation.”

In a quick and mostly silent bipartisan vote of 318-109, the House passed the bill with six hours remaining, at which time Pelosi had promised to “begin killing one house member every fifteen minutes.”

Whether the parties’ newfound willingness to work together was a product of Pelosi’s rampage or a refreshing change in the endless cycle of congressional crises, the approval process moved remarkably well compared with the previous efforts of the divided Congress.

“It’s a good day for the American people,” cried House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, in a press conference shortly after being held at gunpoint for several hours until the bill was approved, “though it is heartbreaking that we can’t get some common sense laws passed, such as an assault weapons ban.”