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Newly elected Libertarian still hasn’t made friends

Newly elected Libertarian still hasn’t made friends

WASHINGTON— Ready to make America free as possible, New Hampshire’s newly elected Representative of the House, Andrew Oak, walked into Chamber and realized he has not a single friend among the 434 individuals clustered into what was essentially 2 cliques. “All of these faces and not a single one looked welcoming.”

Often lauded for his charisma and charm, Oak attempted to befriend his fellow politicians. He hoped their differing partisan views could be set-aside during the long breaks loaded with cordial conversation and gossip that took place between actual law-making. This was not the case.

“You’d think my fellow New Hampshireman would be welcome to sitting with me, but as soon as I waved at her she used the seat next to her to rest her legs.”

Andrew Oak is the first full-fledged Libertarian to make it to Congress, “Now I know how President Obama feels. Discrimination is tough,” said the white, upper-class male.

When asked about Texan representative Ron Paul, Oak shrugged, “He was on his way to the Pro-Life caucus he goes to occasionally. I introduced myself; he walked on by.”

“I mean he’s free to do as he chooses. He’s only half Libertarian, but us Libertarians should stick together. I’m hoping maybe one day I can muster the courage to sit with him and talk about making basically everything legal.”
Oak attests that representatives cannot sit where they choose in the nearly segregated chamber, “You can’t just go and sit in the Pork Busters’ row. They’ll completely disregard you, unless you say something about repealing Obama-care, but it’s mostly futile. It just won’t happen.”

Democrats were not welcoming to the liberal either, “Last time I tried to get past the Democrat’s whips they stole my measly Porkbarrel. I just wanted to give my hometown something nice; it’s not like I’m New York or California hijacking all of the money.”

“I couldn’t even befriend the Wyoming representative; it’s hard being isolated just because of my beliefs. We’re all politicians, and at the end of the day we all used our charisma to get here and want to change our country.”
Oak is always the first to leave the chamber as soon as session concludes. “I have tons of letters from constituents to read; see you!” Oak mutters to the ‘Republicans-That-Are-The-Only-Representatives-For-Their-State’ section that sits at least three rows ahead of him as he walks briskly to his office. Much like his fellow legislators, lobbyists disregard him on his way out. The honorable representative sighed, “I wish we had an intern or two to keep things lively in the office.”

Regardless of the social and partisan rejection, Oak remains optimistic, affirming that popularity would come his way. “They have a Libertarian on TV! That Swanson guy on the Parks show; I don’t see Republicans on TV. We’re going places.”


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Howdy, I'm Cristaly. I'm 19, majoring in Political Communications at the George Washington University, when I'm not procrastinating on school work I'm living in Puerto Rico. My goals in life are to meet Blake Griffin, manage a campaign, or work for the NBA within communications. That or get paid to pet dogs.


4 Responses to “Newly elected Libertarian still hasn’t made friends”

  1. Jason Velez says:

    I can picture the Libertarian table in the house cafeteria. Just full of band geeks and drama kids.

  2. As a past teen Libertarian in public office, this article seems to me bigoted, ill-informed and hateful. Satirize all you want, but know what you're talking about or you'll be a fool.

    NH has about 10% of its legislature pro-Libertarian, and Libertarians are in public office in several countries. For what activists are doing join Lib Institute-Info and also see the

  3. Gabe Vogt says:

    Yes that's the point: it's satire. Thus it does not need to be accurate. I find it amusing how the vast majority of committed Libertarians I have met online are people with flaccid spines who loathe the very existence of other opinions and are driven by an insatiable urge to suppress them.

    Since you appear to be intelligent and accomplished, the best place to spread your political views is probably not the comment section of a satire site. On top of that, your repeated posting of the libertarian international link verges on spamming.

  4. Brian White says:

    You think that's bad. Clearly you haven't written an article in support of gun control. Just watch how quickly the 2nd Amendment crowd takes away your 1st Amendment rights.


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