Bad Boy Bloomberg Banning Big Breasts

In his latest and most swift move to play strict-stepfather-who-hates-loud-rock-music to New Yorkers, Mayor Bloomberg has opted for a new ban on cup size.

This time, however, instead of going after the large Coca-Cola in your cup, he’s going after the large breasts in women’s bra… cups. That’s right folks- Mayor Bloomberg has proposed a ban on women having any breast size over C.

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“Research I looked up on Google shows that larger breast leads to a more likely chance of getting breast cancer,” Bloomberg released in his statement to the press.

“I may not be a doctor, but I DO play the medical mayor when I’m not playing as an education mayor, so I aim to do the best for the female citizens of New York City.”

He soon revealed that this plan has just as much to do with men: “So many car accidents and car-related-deaths occur while male drivers are on their phones looking at large breasts on Instagram. We can’t ban phones just yet, but we CAN do something about the breasts. Or maybe ban Instagram later on. Or Smartphones. Probably both.”

Coming hot off of his unsuccessful campaign to ban condoms in order to stop New Yorkers from having sexual intercourse (“to prevent overpopulation,” he had said) the Mayor’s plan involves the restricting of clothing stores to sell bra cup sizes over size C in the city. To counter women who already have large chests, mandatory chest reduction surgery must be performed on all women in NYC within one year of the ban’s implement. As such, any woman who is found living in NYC in 2015 with a larger chest size will be fined up to $20,000.

“I don’t see why this is a bad thing,” Bloomberg argued when being booed at the press release. “We’re allowing all women going under the surgery to choose what cup size they want to be, AND they’ll be putting money back into the economy by paying for it. It’s a win/win.” Questions to the Mayor’s office involving whether or not this would be covered by current health care went unanswered.

According to the press release, once the ban is place, any woman found in New York City with a large chest will be subject to breast inspection by any male police officers in the area. Any man found with a large chest, on the other hand, will be signed up to the nearest gym and immediately placed on a diet, as well as being restricted to soda that doesn’t go over 16 ounces.

Author: Anthony Mustacchio

I think I'm funny on occasion.

2 thoughts on “Bad Boy Bloomberg Banning Big Breasts

  1. Hey, they dispense fluid, it’s high in fat and calories. If they’re too big, they’re too big. And don’t give me ‘too big to fail’, because I believe ALL breasts are too big to fail… I’ll bail ’em out. Just gimme the chance.