American Revolution Staged to Pass Second Amendment

Recently discovered communication between key Founding Fathers and the kings of both England and France has brought into question what has always been considered historical fact: specifically, America’s War of Independence from Great Britain.

This new evidence is pointing historians not to a war motivated by ideology and autonomy but to a grandly orchestrated pretext for wider gun usage.

Famed historian Frederick Shtulmaker is being credited for the find and has found himself in the eye of a media storm.

“This alleged War of Independence was politically motivated,” Mr. Shtulmaker began. “Just not as everyone has been taught. Not too many people know that men like Thomas Paine, Sam Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and Ben Franklin were rabid gun fanatics. Establishing a government and nation was simply a necessary evil to ensure everyone had their own .75 caliber Brown Bess.”

“As soon as the word ‘conspiracy’ is used in the context of history,” he continued. “People tend to cringe. But if there is verifiable evidence of multiple parties colluding together surreptitiously to bring about their own ends and, in this case, two very (and one soon to be) powerful entities setting the stage for one of the grandest geopolitical shows of all time–well, it is merely my job to report it.”

According to Mr. Shtulmaker (and others as well), King George III and King Louis XVI, though initially hesitant to the “patriots” plan, were quickly persuaded due to tireless boredom saying, “it would be delicious fun!”

The scheme, in the words of one of its key architects, Thomas Jefferson, would only work if it was concerted, well-executed, and above all, seemingly genuine. And so, ideas like “The Boston Tea Party”, “The Intolerable Act”, “The Boston Massacre”, were born. And language like “no taxation without representation” and “give me liberty or give me death” only sweetened the deal.

As Shtulmaker points out, “people will listen to a false bell if it has the ring of truth to it.”