As President Barack Obama and House Majority Leader John Boehner continue “fiscal cliff” negotiations, preliminary reports say that despite the inability of the human brain to conceptualize 16 trillion units of anything, both men have agreed to pretend that’s how much debt the U.S. has incurred.
The news comes as a relief to many Americans who have been worrying that division along party lines is preventing any real resolution to the country’s economic woes.
“It’s this kind of bipartisanship that is going to move this country forward and lead to real, lasting solutions to the nation’s financial crisis,” said Barrack Obama at a White House press briefing.
“It’s the intent of both house speaker Boehner and I to continue believing that 16 trillion is not only a real number, but that the life of every single American should hinge on the economic ramifications of that belief.”
Congress has also united on the issue, stating that the 16 trillion dollar deficit mustn’t simply be treated as a symbol that the foundations of American capitalism are crumbling, especially if future generations are going to buy into the idea that they actually owe someone that much money.
“Think about it like I do,” explained Congressman Boehner. “Besides the sun, the next nearest star is 25 trillion miles away, right? So find it in the night sky and just subtract like nine trillion of those miles and boom! You’ll have an accurate visual representation of what our debt looks like.”
Although 16 trillion dollars of debt may seem staggering, it didn’t discourage Congress from approving a 3.8 trillion dollar budget for 2013. Nor has it stopped the Federal Reserve from quantitative easing, injecting billions of dollars into the economy weekly.
“Imagine the economy as a patient on life support who died once before and was brought back to life, goes back into coma, and now only shows signs of life by occasionally shitting himself,” said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. “Better yet, have you seen the show The Walking Dead?”
The Senate Financial Committee is coming up with solutions to ease the debt fears of voters in their constituencies. One idea put forth is to get rid of the word “trillion” altogether, and replace with a word Americans will feel less anxious about. So far “Scooby-Dooby-Dillion” and “Honey Boo Boo-illion” are currently getting positive feedback across the aisle.