What I Did During the First Debate (Spoiler: I didn’t watch it)

8:01: Made myself a Boulevardier, which I highly recommend.

8:07: Opened up my three-year-in-progress novel, of which I have completed one chapter to date. Wrote seven additional words that I erased and rewrote four times. Net gain – four words. At this rate the next Great American Novel will be finished by December of 2023.

8:43: Tried to do dishes. Only broke two glasses and one fingernail!

8:55: Boulevardier #2.

8:58: Plopped myself in front of the TV to watch this week’s South Park.

9:00-9:30: Giggled hysterically alone on my couch.

9:31: Boulevardier #3.

9:35: Shaved a full minute off my drink-making time!

9:36: Posted several unfunny things to my Facebook page.

9:42: Read Facebook posts about how terrible -insert presidential candidate here- was. Couldn’t believe how much I didn’t care.

9:45: Contemplated what drove me to major in political science, when in fact I despise politics.

9:47: Decided I needed to post something to Glossynews.com.

9:48-10:02: Sat in a trance of deep consternation, trying to think of something mildly amusing to write about.

10:03: Came up with this lame idea.

10:04: Boulevardier #4…shaved another full minute off my time!

10:07-10:18: Wrote this feeble attempt at humor.

10:19: Saved and closed the Next Great American Novel.

10:21: Used the restroom (I really need a new bathmat).

10:22: Checked to see if I have any cool surprises recorded on my DVR.

10:24: Nope.

10:25: Boulevardier #5…lost two full minutes when I couldn’t find my cool drink-mixing spoon.

10:30: Tried to submit this post to Glossy News, but was too drunk to remember my password.

10:33: Texted several of my friends, reminding them that they have AIDS.

10:38: Finally figured out my password and submitted the Next Great American Minute-By-Minute Debate Timeline.

10:47: Fell asleep on my floor in a pool of Campari-smelling vomit.

Conclusion: This year’s election is a big resounding: meh? My advice is to start drinking heavily; we’re all screwed either way.

Author: Dan H.

I write because I drink, I drink because I write...and happen to really like a well-made Old Fashioned. Also because I'm bored.

1 thought on “What I Did During the First Debate (Spoiler: I didn’t watch it)

  1. I spent my time a little differently. I watched the debate while paying too much for beer and appetizers and waffling between cringes and exasperation at the outright lies… death panels, seriously? Romney is STILL going with that tired line?

    Well, new audience, why not? It seems to have worked. The consensus is that Romney won the debate.

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