8:01: Made myself a Boulevardier, which I highly recommend.
8:07: Opened up my three-year-in-progress novel, of which I have completed one chapter to date. Wrote seven additional words that I erased and rewrote four times. Net gain – four words. At this rate the next Great American Novel will be finished by December of 2023.
8:43: Tried to do dishes. Only broke two glasses and one fingernail!
8:55: Boulevardier #2.
8:58: Plopped myself in front of the TV to watch this week’s South Park.
9:00-9:30: Giggled hysterically alone on my couch.
9:31: Boulevardier #3.
9:35: Shaved a full minute off my drink-making time!
9:36: Posted several unfunny things to my Facebook page.
9:42: Read Facebook posts about how terrible -insert presidential candidate here- was. Couldn’t believe how much I didn’t care.
9:45: Contemplated what drove me to major in political science, when in fact I despise politics.
9:47: Decided I needed to post something to Glossynews.com.
9:48-10:02: Sat in a trance of deep consternation, trying to think of something mildly amusing to write about.
10:03: Came up with this lame idea.
10:04: Boulevardier #4…shaved another full minute off my time!
10:07-10:18: Wrote this feeble attempt at humor.
10:19: Saved and closed the Next Great American Novel.
10:21: Used the restroom (I really need a new bathmat).
10:22: Checked to see if I have any cool surprises recorded on my DVR.
10:25: Boulevardier #5…lost two full minutes when I couldn’t find my cool drink-mixing spoon.
10:30: Tried to submit this post to Glossy News, but was too drunk to remember my password.
10:33: Texted several of my friends, reminding them that they have AIDS.
10:38: Finally figured out my password and submitted the Next Great American Minute-By-Minute Debate Timeline.
10:47: Fell asleep on my floor in a pool of Campari-smelling vomit.
Conclusion: This year’s election is a big resounding: meh? My advice is to start drinking heavily; we’re all screwed either way.