8:01: Made myself a Boulevardier, which I highly recommend.

8:07: Opened up my three-year-in-progress novel, of which I have completed one chapter to date. Wrote seven additional words that I erased and rewrote four times. Net gain – four words. At this rate the next Great American Novel will be finished by December of 2023.

8:43: Tried to do dishes. Only broke two glasses and one fingernail!

8:55: Boulevardier #2.

8:58: Plopped myself in front of the TV to watch this week’s South Park.

9:00-9:30: Giggled hysterically alone on my couch.

9:31: Boulevardier #3.

9:35: Shaved a full minute off my drink-making time!

9:36: Posted several unfunny things to my Facebook page.

9:42: Read Facebook posts about how terrible -insert presidential candidate here- was. Couldn’t believe how much I didn’t care.

9:45: Contemplated what drove me to major in political science, when in fact I despise politics.

9:47: Decided I needed to post something to Glossynews.com.

9:48-10:02: Sat in a trance of deep consternation, trying to think of something mildly amusing to write about.

10:03: Came up with this lame idea.

10:04: Boulevardier #4…shaved another full minute off my time!

10:07-10:18: Wrote this feeble attempt at humor.

10:19: Saved and closed the Next Great American Novel.

10:21: Used the restroom (I really need a new bathmat).

10:22: Checked to see if I have any cool surprises recorded on my DVR.

10:24: Nope.

10:25: Boulevardier #5…lost two full minutes when I couldn’t find my cool drink-mixing spoon.

10:30: Tried to submit this post to Glossy News, but was too drunk to remember my password.

10:33: Texted several of my friends, reminding them that they have AIDS.

10:38: Finally figured out my password and submitted the Next Great American Minute-By-Minute Debate Timeline.

10:47: Fell asleep on my floor in a pool of Campari-smelling vomit.

Conclusion: This year’s election is a big resounding: meh? My advice is to start drinking heavily; we’re all screwed either way.