Election Update: Romney’s Brilliant Strategy to Win the Election

There are only a few more weeks until Election Day. Polls paint a bleak picture for Romney’s chances of winning the White House – which house is even lovelier than his ski chalet house in Park City, Utah, but not quite as lovely as his ocean-front house in La Jolla. But that’s not the point.

The point is that for weeks Romney has been playing defense thanks to some unfortunate gaffes like claiming that 47% of Americans are freeloading parasites, letting it slip that he and Vladimir Putin are longtime BFF pen pals, and accidentally admitting he is a New York Yankees fan (there goes the Massachusetts vote).

Reports that he recently purchased India’s Taj Mahal as a winter vacation get-away probably won’t help either.

Any way you slice the polling data, the news does not look good for Romney. He trails Obama with the following demographic groups:

Women, Latinos, blacks, gays, people under 25, people over 25, people who identify themselves as middle class, people with access to the news, people who can do basic math, people who can identify Canada on a map, and people who are nice to their pets

But the news for Romney is not all bad. According to recent polls, he is well ahead of his rival in several key demographic categories:

Mormons, polo fans, NASCAR owners, yacht owners, Goldman Sachs hedge fund managers, Lawrence Welk fans, Confederate flag wavers, Rush Limbaugh, the entire state of Oklahoma, people who have never heard Romney speak, $heldon Adel$on, and God. Did we mention Mormons?

Depending on how you look at the numbers – and how many polo fans show up at the polls on Election Day, this election may still be a statistical toss-up (unless you believe in statistics). Still, taking no chances, the Romney campaign is considering a number of innovative campaign tactics to tilt the popular vote in their candidate’s favor. Some ideas they’re aggressively pursuing include:

• Lobbying state boards of election to enforce stricter voter identification laws, requiring proof that the voter can sing God Bless America (both verses) and owns at least one George Washington or Betsy Ross costume

• Announcing that the popular Mexican holiday of Cinco de Mayo has been moved from May 5 to November 6 this year, and importing 2,000 mariachi bands from Mexico, to keep Hispanics confused and distracted, so they’ll forget to vote

• Negotiating acquisition of a 51% ownership stake in Comcast Cable, Time Warner Cable and every other major cable company so they can limit all US television programming until the election to one channel: Fox News

• Re-airing Orson Welles’ terrifyingly realistic 1938 radio broadcast about an alien invasion from Mars, The War of the Worlds, on Election Eve, in an effort to scare the shit out of people so they hunker down in their basements instead of voting.

The Romney campaign is doubling down on the largest single voting block still leaning their way: Angry white males over 50. They’ve figured out a way to ensure a Romney victory by targeting this critical demographic. They’ve done the math and it just might work. In the USA, there are approximately 314 million people, of whom 109 million are white males. The USA’s fastest growing age group is the 55 to 64 age group. All Romney needs to do is capture 97% of white male voters over 50, and he will eke out a victory on November 6.

It won’t be easy, but unnamed sources who wish to remain unnamed without mentioning their names by name have revealed a sophisticated multi-pronged approach to lure their vote. They have hinted at their plans, which include the following tactics:

• Offering a free one month’s stay at any of Romney’s six homes (comes with free pony ride on Ann’s horse, Rafalca)

• Proposing a constitutional amendment that makes doing all household chores officially “women’s work”

• Promising a full federal tax return refund for white males over 50 who vote for Romney (50% tax refunds if you’re half white)

• Providing a free year’s supply of Viagra. Comes with a copy of Paul Ryan’s Workout DVD, Abs of Steel: A patriotic fitness workout done the RIGHT Way and, last but not least…

• Beer

Political pundits in the know speculate this target-the-angry-white-male-voter strategy is a bit of a long shot. But it offers up some compelling new ideas, especially the part involving beer. Still, plans are already in motion to truck in 2,000 mariachi bands from Mexico, just to be safe.