Romney Plans to Live in Large Uterus Instead of White House

Toledo, OH – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney unveiled his plan to move himself and his family into a “uterus of suitable size and structure” if elected president.

He made the announcement during a speech at a Toledo go-kart manufacturing plant.

When asked by a member of the media why he decided on this plan, Romney said, “You know, I’ve thought about this a lot and I figured the best way for me to control the medical decisions women make is for me to just move into their uteri.

RIGHT: Life inside a uterus is no small feet, nor is it a small feat. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Now, obviously I can’t live in every woman’s uterus so I’ll pick the biggest one I can find for us to live in and I’ll make all of my presidential decisions from there. Plus, it will save tax dollars since I won’t have to use that crappy little White House. It’s really a win-win.”

There were loud gasps when Romney asked if he could personally give sonograms and pregnancy tests to the female crowd members in order to evaluate their suitability as a home. One very large woman volunteered but quickly pulled out when she saw what Romney looked like up close.

Romney’s announcement comes just days after he stated that instead of using contraception, women should just “eat more butter” so that they “will become unattractive and unlikely to be impregnated.”

Romney is said to have commissioned a “Uteri Exploratory Committee” to find a uterus that is similar in size to the White House so that it too can house a bowling alley, a movie theater, and a situation room.

He ended his speech by chastising what he calls Obamacare and saying that the government shouldn’t have any say in people’s medical decisions. When asked how he can balance that statement with his views on women’s health, Romney laughed and said, “That’s funny, you think women are people.”

Author: Mark Garrison

Mark Garrison is both a loving husband, a devoted father, and a steadfast rebel when it comes to the word "both." His work has appeared in Opium Magazine, Monkeybicycle, and many other places with interesting names.

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