WASHINGTON D.C. – Aware of the seeming neglect of women’s rights in various areas of Republican Party policy recently, nervous 22 year-old intern Kevin Tisley suggested to advisers and the wider GOP committee Wednesday that everyone just stop talking for a second and take a look at the 19th Amendment.
Apprehensively leaving his desk, from which he routinely e-mails potential voters and files campaign literature, Tisley suddenly interrupted a group discussion about ending Planned Parenthood, alerting those present that “holy sh*t, women actually comprise fifty percent of the electorate. It says so right here.”
“Look, I know this is crazy,” trembled the Political Science major, “but according to this document, the female demographic – whose rights we have been stoically trying to reduce all this time – are going to be voting this November.”
“Somebody needs to call the RNC and warn them,” he continued.
Outlining the implications of his discovery to policymakers in attendance, Tisley brought home the real possibility that millions of women – women who, it turns out, have every chance of voting in the presidential, senatorial and local elections this fall – may have overheard Republican rhetoric calling for cuts in breast cancer screenings, the woman’s right to choose and government assistance for single mothers.
“Look, if these women are all aware of everything we’ve been saying about them, we don’t have a chance,” continued Tisley. “We need to do something immediately. Does anyone have Mitch McConnell’s number?”
Calming the young gentleman down, meanwhile, one adviser, reading over the document, eventually pointed out that “it says here that women have been voting for almost a century.”
“Well, there’s clearly nothing to worry about in that case,” she said. “We’ve clearly gotten away with it many times in the past.”