NORTH WISCONSIN —GlossyNews “America hasn’t been working,” Romney said at a recent political rally in north Wisconsin, “…and I believe it’s because they don’t have jobs. Wisconsin is like all the rest of the states. Where have all your jobs gone to, I ask you?”
He continued, “In my quest to become your president, I have been seeking Middle Class endorsements from deep within the nation’s Middle Class. Today I am proud that I have secured the Middle Class support of former Republican Presidents Barbara and George Bush; their son, the former Republican Governor John Ellis “Jeb” Bush; his son, the former Republican Son of a Jeb known as ‘P’; all y’all’s own Wisconsin Republican Representative Paul Ryan; and the former Republican CEO and Governor candidate Carly Fiorina.
These are fine Middle Class GOPTea™ people in our great United States of America who are supporting me for president. And I am pleased as punch that all five of my sons, and their several wives have pretty much unanamously pledged their support for me to live in the White House. We’ll draw straws for the Lincoln Bedroom, guys,” he said as he winked and high-fived all of them standing behind him on the podium.
“Seriously now. Today, I am allowed to announce that Jerusalem’s favorite son and Vegas casino owner, Shelly Abelson will be coming aboard my Middle Class Support Ship – a way big welcome out there, Shell,” he waved at the cameras. “Oh gosh, I meant to say Adelson, not Abelson, sorry Shell. I get tongue-tied.”
“Anyway, we are [what I’m calling it is] ‘galvanizing’ around the idea of uniting our resources and working together to win me the White House, which I will Occupy! with my wife Ann, who has some great new decorating ideas for some of the rooms that she says are looking a bit stodgy.” He smiled at her by his side.
“Much more seriously here folks, many of these pundits have suggested that my candidacy is the Etch-a-Sketch game of the campaign. I say that’s not true at all. I’d like to think of it more as an Etch-a-Mitt. I’m merely a blank slate for the GOPTea to do with as they may. And that, my friends is a very good thing. I say ‘Viva la Etch-a-Sketch!’ if it wins me the Presidency. I will be President! I will!” he said with several points of exclamation.
“With my religious zeal-like galvanizing, I have gained almost the full endorsement of a lot of GOPTea™ leaders, but specifically my very close friend, South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint. Let me tell you what he did that blew open the doors for me. He emailed me this simple comment: ‘Our country’s in trouble and we need some real leadership.’
“Can you believe this? The deep, spot-on insight that this Senator has? And in an email yet? So to that, I Twittered him right back, ‘Mr. DeMint, I am your guy.’ Isn’t the Internet a fun thing folks? I know I am enjoying it.”
“Thanks for coming out today folks. We need your votes. Remember that I really am one of your Middle Class guys, as I am unemployed. Help me get a job. Seriously, do you know what car elevators go for these days?”