DES MOINES, IA —GlossyNews GOPTea Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich proposes to mount a nationwide nomination strategy without the use of a strong professional campaign staff. He says all he has is Callista. Gingrich freely admits it is a dizzy idea. “It’s Callista and I against them all. We’re hauling in office furniture right now, and we haven’t the foggiest idea of where we are.”
Gingrich has installed a former Huckabee aide, Trodd Beete, in South Carolina to keep watch for him down there. He will also be lining up out-of-work Florida janitors to canvas their home state counties as well. Asked about his contact with Gingrich, Beete said, “Yes, he emails me usually on Sundays, when he is in church with Callista. She sings in the choir, you know.”
Beete continued, “Which reminds me…this past week, I got an unusual FedEx envelope from her. Instead of my payroll check, I got a necklace and a bracelet, each in a little blue box. I sent it right back to her, by overnight.”
A volunteer adviser contacted in Iowa said, “The furniture came by FedEx yesterday. Callista promised phones would be FedExed to me by Thursday at the latest. I sent back some jewelry items that were in the last FedEx payroll envelope. In 3 weeks the 2012 Iowa caucuses convene – I have 99 counties to organize. He’s hardly a candidate here at all.”
Commenting on Iowa, Gingrich said “We have 6 staff in Iowa that I am in direct email contact with constantly, when I have the chance. I plan to hire masses of recently-fired local janitors to canvas in the counties. I want to fill all 50 Iowa counties with janitors, but hiring by email and FedEx takes time. Callista handles all my FedEx. Try to imagine janitors who understand political caucuses and you see my insane problem. Fundamentally, the caucuses will be over before I get my janitors in place.”
“Cart Before Horse — it’s brilliant,” Gingrich continued, “because I think it is, and no one’s ever done it before me! Newt Gingrich will be the nominee. Like I advised Fannie Mae, take it to the bank. And I banked them, too.”
On his Cart Before Horse campaign strategy, a former aide said, “There’s a danger in being a one-man band — no one stops you from going over the edge. Yeah, you’re riding the horse and waving to the crowd and all, but the cart goes over the edge first, and you’re pulled right over with it. I’ve been watching him do that since 1989.”
A long-time national staffer who asked to be anonymous said, “He’s not an ‘also-ran’ anymore. He’s debated himself right into a front fucking seat. He needs to quit managing the emails and start being the dog and pony show he says he is. He’s got to deliver votes and turnout, but he’s suffering from a chronic fucking bout of Hypés Newtiephallus — he is controlled by his own hype.”
The staffer explained further, “This is a recurring, quasi-mental condition he contracted in his teen years. Like with the previous wives, Newt assured Callista that she had it locked out, but it’s back, just like before, and the worst case I’ve ever seen. She immediately FedExed her stash to her private safe at Tiffany’s.”
No one at Tiffany’s was asked to comment.