EDITOR’S NOTE: ARTICLE WRITTEN BEFORE AGREEMENT WAS REACHED – After recent discussions in Congress over John Boehner and Harry Reid’s plans to solve the debt ceiling crisis dissolved into gavel smashing and cross-aisle spitting, political analysts have predicted that the fate of the country’s credit rating might boil down to petty children’s games like Shoots and Ladders, Candy Land, or a Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament.
“Not only would it be amusing, it would also be more mature than what we have going now,” a top analyst at CNN said, “The recent ‘You blocked our bill, so we’re not even going to look at yours’ is surprisingly petty, even for Capitol Hill.”
“I’ve got the boards all set up,” Al Franken, D-Minnesota, said, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this.”
The House of Representatives is scheduled to argue until Thursday over which game to play, and then pass their decision on to the Senate, which is expected to delay their vote until at least next Monday, pushing back any further discussions about the debt ceiling itself.
“We know that the Democrats have a world class Candy Land player in Jeanne Shaheen that we just can’t match up against,” Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, said, “So we’ll be filibustering any attempt to make that the decision maker in the Senate.”
“We know that the Republicans have a top notch Shoots and Ladders squad, with Rand Paul, Thad Cochran and representative Mike Rogers all nationally ranked,” Bill Nelson, D-Florida, said, “We can’t compete with that, so we’ll be filibustering any attempt to make that the decision maker.”
With these tactics known, the Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament is expected to end up being how Congress will decide how to prevent the encroaching ruin of the economy of the United States. The parties are expected to line up on the lawn, facing each other, and play whoever is standing across from them in a best of 3 match.
The loser would be eliminated and the winner would then play another member of the opposite party, with the Independents acting as officials and the Tea Partiers standing in for the hecklers that every sporting match needs.
A recent poll shows that American citizens are actually completely okay with this, with 78% of respondents saying that would prefer decisions to be made this way all the time, as opposed to the usual Congressional methods of yelling, yelling louder, name calling and then drunken voting.
“I might even tune into C-SPAN and watch the game,” one man from Oklahoma said. “I don’t know any of the players or what they’re really playing for, but I’m sure it’ll be some fun.”
This is probably about how it really happened.