Sarah Palin announced today that she will be giving up a life of politics in favor of pursuing her true passion. The decision comes shortly after J.K. Rowling announced her new website Potterworld.
Many will remember that in 1997, a young Palin penned the novel “Harry Potterwitz: And The Prisoner of the Jewish Faith” but was unable to publish after Ms. Rowling beat her to the punch with the publication of her first Harry Potter book. Palin was outraged that a book on witchcraft prevented her publishing her proselytizing Christian tale and vowed never to be scooped again by Rowling.
Palin is working on a start up called P-Grizzly LLC, which will primarily be publishing the site Christmore.com. Here users will be able to create an avatar that lives in ancient Rome and enrolls in Nazareth High School with a young Jesus.
Subscribers will be able to purchase e-book versions of each chapter of the New Testament for $14.95 (the money will be used to further Ms. Palin’s non-campaign for the presidency as well as a new paint job for her bus so it can sport a picture of her punching King George in the face while dumping tea in the harbor).
As you read, the lessons learned will be applied to your avatar allowing you to have philosophical conversations with a teen Jesus as well as console him over his rather considerable angst. As you progress through the books, you will meet and get to know the young temptress, Marry Magdalene.
Together you’ll go on an adventure through the desert in an attempt to find and destroy the Devil’s temptations. At some point in time, you discover Jesus having sex with your sister behind your back. While Palin has not yet revealed how the tale ends, market research suggests it will be a fantastic conclusion that will be ruined by the epilogue.
Meanwhile, in a non-traditional move, Palin is telling her would-be supporters that she is backing President Barack Obama in the next election and urging her legions of followers to do the same. She explained that her move comes after assessing a generally weak Republican presidential field and seeing no bright spots. Christmore’s first post explained why she would not be throwing her weight behind each candidate:
Bachmann: She’s not a maverick, just a woman, and I think my track record on abortion makes it abundantly clear that I do not and will not trust women to make important decisions.
Huntsmann/Romney: Did you know Mormons wear religious undergarments? I don’t know what that means but I certainly don’t think there is room in the White House for Jesus panties.
Ron/Rand Paul: I heard they had a threesome with Bunny Ranch prostitutes during a recent trip to Vegas. I’m just saying that a father/son package is not cheap. I mean, where did they get the money for that trip? Looks like some fishy accounting may be going on in the Paul camp.
Herman Cain: If he’s too stupid to realize that Republican policy is subtly racist, then how can he run the country? Come on, a black Republican president? What is this, a Skittles commercial?
Rick Santorum: He seems good on paper but every time he smiles he looks like he might be pooping. It’s fairly offputting.
Tim Pawlenty: What a wuss! Did you see him back down on Obamney Care? I butchered a beloved tale of gaining American independence but did you see me back down? Nosiree! I just went in and changed Wikipedia, because everyone knows that whatever Wikipedia says goes. Get it together T-Paw.