WASHINGTON, DC —BobZaguy GOPTea Gov. Rick Perry of Texas has now officially been accused of causing problems by staging his “Rain Dance Prayer Services” in Texas. Weeks after the Perry Prayers were offered up in Texas, the Eastern and Northern Plains states of the US are awash in rain and flooding. As is California.
Perry’s problems arise in home state Texas, as well as Arizona, E and Utah. All are among the western states that are now drought-ridden tinder boxes. It seems no longer to be an accident that these burning states are also home base to a number of very aggressive GOPTea party groups. There is evidence that some of this red neck attitude has seeped into the ranks of Congress members from those and other states, mostly in the South.
Perry, aware that he would be way behind the raft of other candidates if and when he enters the race, asked somewhat unconvincingly, “If we didn’t do it, who would? If not now, when? We desperately need rain. My prayer services brought lots of rain, you can bet the bank on that. It just didn’t fall exactly where we wanted it to fall. We’ll have better luck next time. We plan to pray just exactly where we want the rain to fall, not just anywhere there’s room to gather.”
Sen. John Kyl of Arizona said, “Those trees should have been cut down in advance. This is entirely an irresponsible act by Obama’s administration not to cut down those trees before the fire started. If he’d authorized forest treatments like he should have, then this wouldn’t have been as extensive a disaster. It would have been a more explainable normal seasonal or minor fire, like we had back in the Bush years. Those were the good fires that we will get back to in 2012. Those Bush fires were expected and we learned to live with them. We learned to explain them without any problems. We could live with the Bush-era forest fires.”
Sen. John McCain blamed illegal immigrants for starting the fires, “I know for fact that those illegals who were not allowed to drive their broken-down cars and trucks legally, once they crossed the border illegally, were to blame. They were angry with Arizona for taking away their driving privileges, so they torched the place. I agree with Sen. Kyl, my respected colleague here in Arizona, that Obama should have known this was going to happen. He should have cut those trees before the fires started. If I had been in office, Sarah and I would have been out there cutting trees in February with chain saws, March at the latest, when it is the right time to cut trees that will burn anyway, once the fires are set. Everyone knows what is the true cause of all this conflagration – the effing trees are burning.”
He continued, “I have no evidence to provide, you can see the forests are burning and you know the illegals are living illegally everywhere in those trees, building fires to cook and stay warm, and signal others. Some are using fires to distract the police who are after them. What would any sane person expect? Fires. I don’t give a rat’s ass what these civil-rights leaders think, to my mind the illegals started the fires, plain and simple. If Obama would have secured our borders, then these illegals wouldn’t have been allowed to come into Arizona and set the fires. My whole state is on fire here.”
With 3 million acres burned already this year, McCain said, “That’s equal to last year’s totals for the whole year. This is just June. The silver lining in all of this is that there’s not much left to burn, so, pretty soon the fires will die out of their own.
“I hope none of my homes are in danger. If I knew where they were, I’d be able to know. As it is, I will get some of the legal Mexicans on my staff to go see sometime after the fires die out. I’ve got a map of my properties somewhere in a desk drawer in one of those homes. Maybe my staff remembers where I put it. I sure don’t.”
Sen. Eric Cantor was asked to weigh in by Skype about federal help on the fires, “Guys, we sadly were unable to get enough tax cuts and spending cuts out of the Obama administration to allow the proper spending levels on stopping your amazing forest fires. The costs are going to double down there to close to $200 million, but Obama wasn’t agreeable to sign on to my and Paul Ryan’s newly requested $1.5 trillion Medicare/Medicaid spending reductions that would allow us to completely fund this disaster recovery effort. We even dubbed it the “Arizona Monument Fire Recovery Act” to get attention nation-wide. But our spending-cut legislation died in committee when Obama said he wasn’t going to cut any Medicare spending that we targeted. Plus the House is on recess for the next two weeks.
“Our well-targeted cuts were absolutely necessary to eliminate all spending by Medicare on 65 and 66 year old final-phase respiratory patients who are going to rapture up eventually anyway. A $1.5 trilllion cut here would have allowed us to approve your $200 million in fire retardation spending.
“We’ll try to get it through again when we get back from our annual two week pre-summer recess in the House. As it is now, I guess you’ll have to blame those seniors for this disaster. Them and the illegals that Sen. McCain is claiming did the fire-setting,” he said.
Just before he left to board a congressional junket flight to Paris and London, he waved and smiled. “Life is rough out in the woods,” he offered. “But, you’ll see, we’ll get through this and it will put us over the edge for the Senate seats in 2012. Count on it.”
Ha! L-T…I think one of those gila thingies just went up outside Houston. No, sorry, big mistake on my part, that was Perry.
I’m a bit busy with moving into my fake Tudor cottage and all, but as former AZ resident, feel I must speak to this burning issue.
This summer’s big DC buzzword is ‘headwinds.’ I’ve already heard it used twice, media will get hold of it any day now too probably.
What these people don’t understand is 4 corners region is steeped in mystical forces, so there’s a ‘Butterfly effect’ thing, with all the Apache medicine men shape shifting ghosts and what have you.
Somebody in DC says ‘headwinds’ and winds actually materialize in the arroyos, gathering speed and heat as they move. It’s a very strange and mystical place, that 4 corners region.
I’ve seen Gila monsters spontaneously combust. Well, I helped them some… but just a little bit!