The following missive was delivered soaking wet with mud stains to the local publisher of dead, compressed tree pulp with black ink smathered across it:
Dear Aspen Daily News,
It is a great grievance to me to have not been invited to participate in your April 10th ‘Meet The Politicos’ special. This will not be forgotten when I am elected and your business license comes up for renewal. My being the President and only member of the Harry Potter Hogwarts Party should be met with the same regard as the other candidates.
I hereby announce my candidacy for Dictator of Aspen, Colorado ( I am aware that the official title is ‘Mayor,’ but all that will change once I win).
Since you didn’t bother to include me in the April 10th issue, here are my great but belated answers to the questions you asked the other mayoral candidates:
Age: Old enough to know better than to answer that question.
Occupation: Freelance Writer (according to the IRS). Professional sponge (actual).
How long have you lived in Aspen: 6 months too long.
Have you ever been arrested: No, but I should have. I think wearing the all black ninja outfit saved me that time.
Favorite pastime: Writing crank letters to newspapers.
What compelled you to run for office: Reading Mein Kampf and the fact that Dick Cheney made so much money at it.
How could the city of Aspen improve its job of governing: Put me in the major position of power then let me dismantle most of it, especially the oversight committees.
How would you revitalize Aspen’s economy? Happy hour starting at 8 in the morning.
Should Aspen be trying to appeal to economy-priced vacation goers?: Nah, we want only the high rollers here; the Bernie Madoffs, the Charlie Sheens, the Scooter Libbys. We don’t want to get a bad name. Plus it is time-wise more economical to smoozle the big guys. You’d have to roll too many of the little people to get any serious money out of it.
What is the biggest issue facing Aspen and how would you address it?: Making sure there is enough moolah coming in and figuring out a way to funnel a lot of it to me. I’m tired of seeing how the big boys in Washington vacuum it up all year long. It’s time for the same thing here; a form of trickle down effect, right into my bank account you might say.
When elected, I will see the following changes instituted:
Women must wear only miniskirts the entire winter. I know, I know, this is chauvinistic, but for us guys it is cheaper entertainment than paying for cable.
It will be legal to shoot any auto equipped with one of those damned blaring auto alarms that go off if the owner doesn’t turn it off within five minutes. In fact, I’ll give the shooter a citizens’ award for doing it.
Not only must all dogs be on a leash in town but so must all kids.
Anyone driving anything less than a $30,000 car in town will have his brakes cut and be pushed down valley.
The Aspen Brewing Company will be forced to bring free samples to City Hall at 3 PM every Friday.
Hunter S. Thompson will be canonized the Patron Saint of Aspen.
Papeete, Tahiti will be declared Aspen’s Sister City so that upper-level City government employees can take free vacations there.
All the Aspen police cars will be junked and replaced by ones that look like the Batmobile.
Any visitors from Vail will be charged a special obnoxious tax just for being here.
A Starbucks on every corner!
The new art museum will be built to look like Caesar’s Palace and only feature nude photos of local celebrities.
The Snowmass Ski Area will be given back to the Ute Indians (no matter how much the skiers bitch and whine about it).
The valley under the Clear Creek bridge will be filled in so that we don’t have to bother with fixing the bridge.
A special Dumb Tax will be charged to any woman wearing spike heels in the pedestrian zone between December 1st and April 10th.
Burger King will be given exclusive franchise rights for Aspen and be allowed to build ten stores anywhere they please inside the city limits.
Vote for me and put the Gonzo back in Government!!!
Yours Gratuitously,
Rfreed