Do you struggle to understand the meaning of life? Worried your bladder will explode while riding an elevator? Scratching an itchy ear with a paper clip (quite frankly, who hasn’t)? Then there’s an event happening nearby that’ll make your scalp tingle. It’s the 2011 Arena Football League (AFL) season.
It’s already week 8, but don’t worry, there’s still plenty of hard-hitting action by professional athletes, in professional jerseys, with professional athletic supporters, cheered by professional scantily-clad cheerleaders flinging professional promotional plastic footballs.
The almost always bankrupt AFL will satisfy you like a sardine sandwich – hold the mayo. Don’t miss the action played on a convenience store parking lot-sized field where testosterone-charged players try to avoid hitting one of the plentiful team mascots
Sports analysts describe the AFL as a combination of pinball, football, and disco dancing resulting in fast-paced, high-scoring excitement. Remember to always buckle up and please follow these AFL guidelines:
* Introductions may include: flames large enough to launch a manned spacecraft, farm implements, and the entire Friendly Bob’s Used Cars inventory. Feel free to purchase beer at this time.
* Screaming, “That was a #%&**@# call,” is permissible. Go ahead — holler your guts out but the chances of being heard are equal to the probabilily that Britney Spears’ breasts are original equipment.
* Announcers repeat phrases like, “Full throttle first down,” in an attempt to assimilate meaningless cheers into the operant language of deranged fans. Can’t hear? Don’t worry, your eardrums most likely burst a short time ago during the home team introductions.
* To minimize the risk of alcohol poisoning and restroom riots, beer prices will be slightly less than the cost of a two-bedroom home.
* Booing is acceptable only for bad calls against the home team, bad plays by home team, bad calls against the cheerleaders, or anytime you can remember the word.
* Female cheerleaders are attired in outfits modeling Zulu wild boar hunters – minus the drawstrings. Male fans should refrain from throwing money or themselves at these jubilant, quasi-modest professional sports enthusiasts.
* Half-time shows may include acts where greased frogs are chased by trolls, semi-truck sized motorcycles are jumped over barnyard animals, or Lars and Olga joust each other on ATVs. Please do not feed the animals.
* Loud noises resembling a sonic boom may be present, at anytime, for no apparent reason. Remain calm! Chances are good your hearing will return unless, of course, as mentioned above, your eardrums have burst.
* Play will stop at two-minute intervals. A great time to steal beer from your neighbor or clean off the canned string some berserk guy sprayed after the home-team quarterback successfully tied his shoe.
* Accommodate fans around you. Yes, even the “five-foot-nothing” guy who wants to climb over you to assault the burly leather-clad gentleman who just sprayed the canned string and is sitting with the rest of the Motorcycle Brotherhood Association fans.
* We provide no guarantee, warranty, or lien waiver that someone next to you will NOT pass gas. Ever swallow water in a public swimming pool? Get over it!
* There is a risk one of your formally normal friends, who never heard of the AFL before now, will be standing and screaming like the rest of the acrylic-painted hordes by game’s end. Simply phone 1-800-AFL-HELP and a trained counselor will get your buddy to once again recognize his name.
Thank you, enjoy the 2011 season, and don’t worry, they hardly ever explode in an elevator!