House Passes Historic “Earmarks Only” Bill

Washington, DC – – The U.S. House of Representatives today passed the bipartisan $500 million No Districts Left Behind Bill by a vote of 399 to 36.

An historical departure from the governing body’s usual practice of adding pork projects as bribes for their support, the NELB entirely dispenses with the pretense of legislating in the national public interest.

As currently written the bill contains over 200 vote-getting pork projects of admittedly no public value, other than of course spreading the wealth around where it will get the most votes. Future projects will be funded through the newly-established bipartisan Omnibus Pork Review Commission.

Current sample earmarks include a reptile observation pavilion in Florida, a bike path around the Everglades, and a high-speed rail line between Cincinnati and the red light-district of Newport KY.

Says Rep Tory Lumpkin, D., Ill., “This bill represents a triumph for free and open pork in government. Speaking for myself, I find it refreshing and encouraging to bring the real American legislative process at last into the sunlight.

Everyone has always known that their elected representatives in Washington cast their votes mainly in exchange for federal handouts in their own districts that would help them curry favor with their constituents, thereby enabling them to spend two more years slopping at the federal trough.

“But the cumbersome process of sticking and sneaking earmarks onto bills that had nothing to do with the earmarks themselves was a time-consuming, laborious process and I for one found it to be the essence of wasteful government, at least in the sense of wasting my own time.

Now I will be able to simply email my high priority pork projects over to the Omnibus Pork Commission for rubber-stamp approval and expect to have much more time for lucrative speech making on the serious financial problems facing this great nation of ours in this time of exploding deficits.”

Author: Will Johnson

Will Johnson operates several e-commerce websites and writes stage plays in his spare time. Will is editor of