Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ; McCain Really Lacks a Clue

This week senator John McCain really threw down. No, not his teeth or dignity, those have both been forsaken since 2000. No this week he threw down with the crazy, and even for a die-hard republican, he ante’d up the crazy in spectacular fashion.

As a donor to the senior senator from Arizona, I’m on his mailing list. I get an assortment of “My Friend” letters, though I highly doubt he’d consider me a friend. Obviously he doesn’t, or he wouldn’t espouse these ridiculous, unpatriotic lies.

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First, let me impugn his patriotism. It’s a quality that is highly valuable, and one he desperately lacks, at least since the year 2001 or so.

When the G.I. Bill came up for restoration, he said no. Our soldiers should not enjoy the same grant for service that he himself enjoyed.

Then came the healthcare bill. No, said John McCain, loud and clear. No one should have socialized medicine cradle to grave, like Mr. McCain has enjoyed since birth through now (which is, admittedly, the grave for most folks.)

Then he plunged himself deep into the unknown depths of the backwards palindrome that is Sarah “grizzley vagina, true Americanista” Palin… seriously dude, no vetting process? That was your Hail Mary?

But the letter I got from John McCain goes so far beyond the scope of traditional political deception. He sent an email demanding we give him money for the re-election campaign on his 80th birthday, but more than that, he said that we should “Repeal Obamacare” because it is a “government takeover of healthcare [sic].”

That’s more than a misunderstanding, it’s an outright lie.

There is NO government takeover of health care on the table. The law that was passed doesn’t even take the first step towards it.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (you know the show, you appeared on it about 8 times, but not since your failed presidential run,) ran a PSA specifically for John McCain, specifically about he Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell dichotomy… though Mr. McCain has already changed course, this PSA is still relevant.

Come on, John McCain, don’t be “that guy.” You did a lot of really great things, as well as a handful of terrible things in the past ten years. Make it right, my friend. Stop telling partisan lies and get back to doing what you do best: legislating from your heart.

You still have a heart, right?

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.