“It was going to be a discontented winter, but now it looks like glorious summer” said incoming Congressman Richard Plantagenet on the new GOP voter outreach plan.
Speaking from his house in York, PA this week, the Tea Party favorite and former florist was proudly modest in explaining how the 112th Congress will rewrite history, literally.
“What can I tell you? It was rough at first, but we rose above it in the best sense of American can-do spirit. We painted ourselves into a corner during the campaign season. Our anti-earmark positioning brought in the votes, but sacrificed a campaign revenue stream.
“I don’t have to tell you, that the 2010 election season was a real tempest. To be elected, or not to be adequately funded for the 2012 campaign, that seemed like the question. But then we came up with our ‘Forgive The Dead’ initiative, and I think we’ll do all right now.”
The combat veteran and father of three detailed a contribution revenue stream never before tapped by American politicians. “Yeah, with FTD we’re going to pardon popular folk heroes who went to their graves with police records. The implications of this thing are so amazing, it’s mind boggling really. It touches niche markets in our target demographic, and there’s big money in it too; you’d be surprised.”
Plantagenet laid out a sheaf of papers on his desk and told reporters, “These are applications already received, and we don’t even have the Congressional FTD office set up yet.” Examples included a letter from producers of a new Bonnie & Clyde movie, who think it’d be great if the misunderstood Depression era duo were officially pardoned just before the film’s release.
“We got everybody in these requests, I’m not kidding. From DB Cooper to Kurt Cobain, and even the guy who did that ‘Pina Colada’ song; remember it? We’re not going to pardon him though. First, he’s not dead. But even if he was, some things are unforgivable.”
Sounds like the opening credits of a horror movie based on a Democrat’s worst nightmare…just before the wild-eyed scientist rushes in and screams, “The dead are rising and they’re voting Republican!”
(Credit for the remark goes to Bart Simpson, but he’s a minor and can’t sue!)