SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Glossy News) — “Right out of a movie” would be the best way to describe the recent events that plagued former Speaker of the House and part-time witch, Nancy Pelosi. On Tuesday, the “House” hit her squarely on the head.
Found staggering and cross-eyed, the once-upon-a-time Congressional leader complained that her much beloved House had turned against her, bludgeoning her on the head as she was jogging along Fremont Street in San Francisco. According to eye witness accounts, the incident was observed by several androgynous midgets and a mysterious teenager from the Midwest, clutching a mangy puppy.
Medical personnel ruled out the possibility of brain damage, citing the unusually large volume of air — a congenital defect — which seemed to have insulated her cognitive organ from damage. An EMT on the scene provided the ex-Speaker with a bandage, some aspirin, and a ride back to a friend’s home.
“She may have been partially delirious, though,” the EMT told reporters. “She kept insisting that a girl from Kansas had stolen her shoes.” Medical personnel verified that Pelosi was indeed shod at the time of the accident.
According to Pelosi supporter Dorothy Toto, who quickly arrived at the scene after hearing the news report, “Yes, Ms. Pelosi’s black pointed hat, striped stockings, and black dress were completely ruined, though her union-made broom was still in usable condition. The House, as we all know, is a total loss.”
Ms. Pelosi avoided making any comments to the press after an initial gaffe was captured on a bystander’s cell phone and posted to YouTube. In the video, a shaken Pelosi is heard muttering, “That bumpkin took my slippers. But I’ll get her. And her little dog too.”