GOP Prepares Mother Ship in Wake of Healthcare Bill

Roswell, NM (GlossyNews) — The Right Wing leaders in the US House and Senate have declared they are preparing their Mother Ship to return to wherever they came from now that Obama’s health care plan was passed into law.

“We came here over two hundred years ago with one mission,” announced a bleak Mitch McConnell, flanked by the rest of the conservative leadership, “to rip apart the social fabric of the United States, to keep the downtrodden under the jack boot of oppression, to slice and dice humanity and pit the slices against each other for political gain, to make sure that no one rose from the depths of poverty into the upper echelon of our society and above all else, to make sure society as a whole would never solve any problem no matter how serious, especially if the status quo creates unbearable suffering and horror. But unfortunately, this country continues on an unbroken path to some kind of civilized Utopia that we want no part of.”

One might ask, how, in all these years, could these aliens not be discovered? “We’ve always been able to safely hide behind the flag or religion when things got hot,” admitted McConnell. “I can tell you we thought ol’ Sam Johnson was on to us back in 1775 with that ‘patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel’ line. That was a close one wasn’t it boys?” McConnell looked around at his potential shipmates and everyone nodded in agreement. “By the way,” he continued, “in all these years, has anyone noticed that most of us don’t have an upper lip? That’s how we tell each other apart from you guys. It seemed so obvious to us… But now, our Great Leader Abaddon, is calling from our beloved Tartarus and we must prepare to go…”

When asked for comment, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi laughed nervously and said, “don’t worry, once they get up in space or wherever they‘re going, and they realize they don’t have affordable health care they’ll come crawling back like they always do…it’s unfortunate but true.”

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