A South Carolina independent rag known as the Secessionist News developed a Survey entitled “Where Do You Stand as a True American?” They hope it will be picked up and answered by lots of Tea Party Convention delegates in an effort to get a finger on the pulse of the true American. We have recreated the survey here for convenience of reading (sample original survey shown below). We hope to report the findings once responses start to trickle in. Feel free to give your own answers if you’ve a mind to.
Where Do You Stand as a True American?
Give yourself points for each correct answer as follows:
scoring key
1 Point for Yeah
2 Points for Hell Yeah
3 Points for You Better Believe it, Son.
4 Points for Does a Bear Sh*t in the Woods?
5 Points for You Ain’t Just a Whistlin’ Dixie
6 Points for “What are you, some kinda Democratic totalitarian pinko commy fascist?”
1. Will the South rise again?
2. Is Obama a segregationist, secessionist, socialist, reverse-racist or dark operator (skin tone still counts)?
3. Do you believe the only direction America should be headed in is South?
4. Is putting a second mortgage on your trailer to see Sarah Palin speak your patriotic duty, even though it’s going to run you over $1,000, which is about 30% of your home’s worth?
5. As the US Dollar gets weaker, will Confederate Currency make a comeback?
6. Should the Star Spangled Banner be replaced by Lee Greenwood’s Proud to be an American as America’s National Anthem?
7. Instead of nationalized health care, should America nationalize gun ownership?
8. Should the Confederate Flag fly side-by-side with Old Glory?
9. Should Glenn Beck be canonized while still alive?
10. Would you give your left nut to meet Rush Limbaugh?
11. Is Fox News Fair and Balanced and the only news station you can trust to not lie to you?
12. Are Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow the Devil’s spokespersons?
13. If Jesus were alive today, would he be a Tea Party Delegate?
14. Obama is evil because he wanted to close Gitmo and/or because he kept it open proving he’s a damned liar, right?
Bonus Survey Questions (get 10 points each for correct response):
Can you spell Secessionist?
Is your one favorite color red, white and blue?
Can you fuc*kin’ believe that last election?
Scoring:
1-10 Points – Borderline Liberal
11-25 Points – You Can Hang Around With Us, But We Got Our Eye on You, Boy
26 -45 Points – Your Momma Must Be Mighty Proud of you Son
46-60+ Points – Get This Guy’s Measurements, Cause I Think We Just Found Our Next Grand Wizard
(Click to see survey score sheet full size)