The Catholic Church today rejected the Republican Party’s attempt to have Ronald Reagan canonized as a saint. The Republicans have been striving for some time to win over the Church to their viewpoint of Reagan as being divine, but the Catholics have rejected their proposal on the following grounds:
A. Reagan was not a Catholic. Everyone knows that only Catholics can be saints.
B. That simply being a politician in the first place would eliminate anyone from being considered saintly.
C. Anyone that made a movie called ‘Bedtime For Bonzo’ would dilute the Church’s authority.
The Republicans, in an effort to create a heroic figure and a role model from within their ranks and to elevate their standing in the public’s eyes as being somewhere above its present Jerry Springer level have served up Reagan as being the ‘it’ man for their campaign. The conservatives tout his courageous, dashing, honest persona and history to which the Church points out that these were mostly his movie roles. They mentioned that he was basically a grade B actor until he became President at which time he developed into a grade A actor. The Repubs also make a big deal out of his defeat of Communism in the world to which the Church states that the Communist regimes at that time had all the foundation of a moldy house made of playing cards and would have blown down at any good gust of wind. They do concede, however, that had Hinckley actually killed Reagan in his assassination attempt, they might have considered making him a minor martyr.
In retaliation, the Republicans have sworn that they will start their own religion to replace Catholicism. The Catholics, and the world, fear it will be even more restrictive than theirs.
Also, he was a bigamist, since he married Nancy when Jane Wyman was still living.