Senate Hands Control of Health Care Reform to Private Citizen

Hoboken NJ — In an effort to provide the best possible universal health care coverage to American Citizens, the Senate today released a new, surprise, Health Care Plan where all coverage will be provided through the ‘Bill Whiddel Insurance Agency’. Mr Whiddel runs a small, one man office in Hoboken, New Jersey. Whiddel was surprised by the plan, which would give him $400 Billion per year for the next 52 years to provide health care coverage to all Americans.

“I’m thrilled and honored, to be certain,” said Whiddel in an interview in his driveway. “I’m a little nervous because I haven’t really planned for this. Well, actually, I never even knew I was in the running. I will probably have to hire a secretary.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was reported as saying that turning the entire program over to Whiddel was “a masterstroke, which gives control to small business owners and places responsibility for health care squarely in the hands of American citizens.”

Whiddel is a licensed agent of AETNA and Blue Cross & Blue Shield. “I don’t actually insure anyone. I just write policies that people can buy. I will probably add a couple more carriers now, so folks can have a choice,” Whiddel added, before getting into his car and driving to his office 6 miles away in downtown Hoboken.

Another impromptu press conference was held 12 minutes later in front of Whiddel’s sprawling one room office in the Sinatra Plaza.

When asked how soon he could begin arranging for coverage, Whiddel answered, “Well, I can probably start writing policies any time. I like folks to come by or I can visit them at home in the evenings.” Whiddel was unsure what he would do about customers as far away as Yuma or Spokane. “I imagine with all that government money, I should be able to fly out there a couple times a year to help write policies. Where is Yuma, anyway, is that in Alabama?”

Whiddel seemed unsure as to how many policies he could write with the $400 Billion per year, but he did offer this estimation, “I figure, after my overhead, which I compute to be about $52,000 a year, I can write at least a couple million policies. Of course it would be easier if people could pay part of their own premiums. It would also be nice if they could pay direct to the insurance companies, rather than to me. I don’t take checks or credit cards.”

The Comptroller General of the United States, Harry Burns, said he was working with the single branch of the Citizens Superior Bank of Hoboken, NJ to begin wiring the funds to Whiddel. The bank, which Burns revealed was about to be closed under a Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation action later this month, will now become the 4th largest bank in America. The owner and general manager of the bank, Tony Davis, was unavailable for comment but reportedly had undergone a routine, scheduled, heart examination with his family doctor shortly after the announcement.

Some Senators have criticized the plan saying that it was the equivalent of giving the money to Blue Cross to do whatever it wanted with the taxpayers’ money and allow them to literally corner the market on insurance, research and development, as well as give them universal control over health care pricing. Majority Leader Reid disagreed.

“This is basic capitalism at work,” said Reid, “This is what America is all about. The insurance companies are going to come grovelling to Mr. Whipple, sorry, Whiddel, and he will be able to negotiate the best rate. The nicest part of the bargain is that we have fixed Mr Whistle’s, sorry, Whiddel’s salary at $46,000 per year for the next 52 years. That adds up to a lot of savings for Americans.” Reid added that Whiddel would have to pay for his own phone and internet service, although he indicated that there may be surplus computing equipment the GSA could offer to Whiddel at a reduced rate.

Insurance representatives and health care officials were speechless this morning and hoped to have a statement ready by this evening.

Author: Reverend Mike

@rev_rend Reverend Mike is a contributing editor for Glossy News. He was a Combat Chaplain with the Soviet Red Army in the 1980s. A career which he describes as an 'unappreciated field of endeavor'. He later worked as an Information Officer with the TASS News Agency on assignment in White Sands, NM. The collapse of the Soviet Union left him unemployed and homeless. He survived by selling magazine subscriptions door to door disguised as a college coed. He was later kidnapped and taken to Shanghai where he was sold into a white slavery ring. He lived as a concubine for a Japanese music industry mogul until 2002 when a wardrobe malfunction revealed his true identity. He found himself homeless and unemployed again, with only his collection of Polaroid snap shots. Reverend Mike has since scraped together a meagre living by blackmailing Japanese industrialists. Reverend Mike lives in a small 5 bedroom penthouse flat overlooking Central Park in New York City. His hobbies include exotic motorcycles, supermodels and owning small nations....