Washington, DC: Congressional Republicans reacted angrily today at accusations of abject incompetence and political irrelevance from both within and outside the party. Republican leaders denied their perceived lack of any direction for the country in terms of ideas or policies was actually their “greatest strength.”
House Minority Leader, John Boehner, attacked his party’s critics by suggesting that while they are accurate in their assessment that “the Republicans could all go home for the next year and nobody would notice,” their very words demonstrated “a lack of vision for the future.”
“They like to say that Republicans in Congress are about as useful as t*ts on a bull,” stated Boehner. “However, I am here to tell you today that t*ts on a bull would be VERY useful. In fact, they would be amazing! Can you imagine, American family farmers would see their profits double overnight just based on milk production. Then there are the revenues generated by tourist dollars as farmers from around the world would flock to see the bull with t*ts. What a great day for the American farmer. Then there is the fortune to be made by selling these t*ttied bulls on the open, free, international market. I WISH Republicans could be that useful to the American economy.
“Then there are the naysayers who suggest that even having the Republicans take part in Congressional committees and inquiries makes just about as much sense as taking a piano on a camping trip. They like to say all we do is slow things down and make even the simplest decisions a laborious process. Well, all I can say to this is ‘yes.’ Having Republicans on a committee is like taking a piano on a camping trip, or even carrying a car door through the desert so you can lower the window to keep cool. You see, Republicans believe in a America where the hard way is the right way. A place where the tough road is the chosen road. A place where not only do we seek out challenges, but make them even more challenging than they need to be. I imagine that our liberal friends across the aisle would fill their camping bags with water, food, first aid supplies, perhaps even an extra blanket or emergency radio.
But not the Republicans. No, Republicans, all real Americans, would lug that heavy piano out into the woods along with them. Why? Not because it is easy, but because it is hard. That is what makes this country great, and we are proud of it. If a Democrat camper would slip and break his ankle, his liberal friends would either carry him back to safety or call for emergency support just so he could go to a hospital and strain our already overwhelmed health care system. But, not the Republicans. We would all just stand around playing little ditties on our piano until our friend died of infection, thus saving the insurance industry thousands. This is what it is to be an American.”
Boehner concluded his remarks with a demonstration that he could, indeed, find his “ass with both hands and a funnel.” “I’m not even in the shower,” Boehner praised as he used the funnel as a makeshift trumpet to toot out “It’s a Grand Old Flag” with his own flatulence.
Republican campaign strategists praised Boehner’s efforts, and suggested that the Republican Party “was a victim of its own success.” One high ranking strategist said, “Most Americans understand the Republicans have screwed up just about everything there is to screw up. So, they are not really surprised to see the Republicans left with nothing else to do other than stand around looking stupid and getting themselves ensnared in corruption scandals.”
In other news, Republican leaders announced the new theme for their 2010 election campaign. According to high ranking sources, “Incapable of Doing Any More Damage,” will resonate with voters and lead to significant gains in both the House and Senate.