Country Still Thinking with Its Penis

Washington DC (with reports from elsewhere) — Almost since time has been recorded, “mine’s bigger than yours”, or m-b-t-y, has been on the lips of every aggressive type-A male in the United States.

Our country’s presidents are no exception. Sometimes leading the pack of type-As out there in the quest to settle the argument once and for all. European males still solemnly claim to think with their hearts and minds as their basis of governing.

Political penis envy is wrongly thought by politicians in the US to instill confidence throughout the world. Many are erroneously thinking at the 10+ inch length when science-based Euro-reality measures show it is still at 5+ inches – the national average. You and I both know it sucks, but that is the basis for the “m-b-t-y” mentality. It is pronounced m-m-m-m-bettie – with a long drawn-out, lilting lower voice register “m-m-m-m”, and the exhaling of breath after the “bettie”. Practice now, if you are (or plan in the future to be) a male.

After decades of presidential penis hype, the nation has slowly been dragged back, kicking and screaming, into the world of reality.

A little history here: Beginning in the ’30s and pushing well past the ’60s into the new millennium, the nation has been saddled with a number of large-ego presidents who have publicly inflated their penis size. Witness some telling campaign slogans:

“We Polked you in ’44, we’ll Pierce you in ’52” political first in penis-promise sloganeering – true middle 1800s-style hype.

“Let’s get another dick” Alf Landon in ’36 photo-op measuring self. (first use of “d-word”).

“…better a third term than third rate.” FDR’s public slap-in-the-face to “Wee Weenie” Wilkie.
“I’m just wild about Harry” Truman hinting at his own Midwestern “there’s-a-surprise-in-my-pants” agenda.
“I like Ike” back from WWII with his trumped-up military 8-inch Penis.
“Tricky Dick” sporting a fine “Respectable Republican” 6.5-inch dick.
“Irish-8” Kennedy proudly blew Nixon out of the yardstick race.
“All the way with LBJ” unbashful, well-hung Texan’s salivating boast.
“…you better off than you were 4 years ago?” Reagan bites at Carter’s Georgian smallness.
“Viva la Monica!” Clinton reelection campaign slogan – intern’s version.
“Don’t swap horses midstream” W misunderestimating the LBJ Texas Penis boast.
“Country First” McCain’s viagra-laced, one-handed 5-inch misfire at Palin.

Now it has become well-known in smokey back rooms as the Presidential Advantage, national parties and campaigns have become fixated on getting a candidate with lots of chutzpah in his pants. Now considered a necessity to insure the Jewish vote.

Into the ’90s burst Bill Clinton and the man to break into the double digits of penisism – the perfect 10 – a hope for women throughout the world. His hype brought with it a rarely-seen type of political downfall; impeachment. Political World Downfall: The Penis Edition.

Enter stage right, the shyster bumbleweed from Midland, TX – who fibbed the presidential-penis hype out of the ball park with an unparalleled story of 12.5 inches! Why play with a 10 when you can develop envy with a full foot plus? He had established his penis bona fides at Yale’s Skull & Bones in the 60s – Daddy’s little secret male-bonding club. No one could match him then or since, unless the lights were on. But that’s getting ahead of ourselves here.

Suddenly, the balance of the world had been tipped – no one wanted to believe this, but the hearts and minds of people throughout Europe, Asia – yes, even The Vatican; were mostly silent to this. Leaving just the Mideast and Russia to pick up the brunt of the “m-b-t-y” argument – with a bit of sideline backing from Lybia, Darfur, and that tall, quiet man in exile in Taliban-dominated Afghanistan with the size 13-EEE shoes. And a video cam.

Nine months into Bush’s efforts to dominate World Penis Politics, the quiet man vaulted a group of 20 into operation with the objective of bringing down the twin icons of the American penis-led society. The Islamic 20 had the Arab version of penis-induced visions — “black-eyed virgins” dancing in their heads, compliments of the Saudi bin Laden.

Minus the two most-prized penises in the world, the boastful Texan, called out his hubristic “more-than-a-foot-in-your-mouth” measure, and set out on his virtual pony show to bring this man to justice, dead or alive – preferably with his severed penis in mouth.

But chasing this elusive 6’4″ beard around the hills and caves of a foreign land soon became too much to bear. Why can’t 25,000 men find just one guy in a space smaller than a Dallas/Ft. Worth?

So “m-b-t-y” W, claimed that bin Laden was probably dead anyway. And moved his penis game to Iraq, and the morbidly successful Saddam Hussein version of “m-b-t-y” in the Mideast.

The Iraqi president had Photoshop-documented claims of 13-14 inches, depending on whether you talked to the Saudis, Kuwaitis, Iranians or the cute popcorn guy at the Baghdad Multiplex. Don’t laugh, popcorn guys run a very tight sideline in penis measuring in Baghdad, what with the constant visitations by Cheney, Wolfowitz, Perle and Rumsfeld from the Pentagon dropping in for their mid-week checkups. An attentive popcorn guy with a “compressable inch” tape measure, could end up with quite a truckload of cash after a couple of plane loads of these US visitors.

Even GHWB (aka 41), humiliated by Saddam’s early 1990s penis brashness, could still only murmur about it famously, “read my lips”.

Saddam kept the media on-point with his penis insults by shooting rifles at random times, just as Nikita Kruschev had done with his shoe-pounding insults during the Nixon years. When a variation of the Islamic shoe thing reappeared in Baghdad at B-43’s farewell press conference, no one understood why.

Bush 43, in order to keep his preceived upper hand, felt he was wise to reset his enemy from the penis-taunting bin Laden in Afghanistan to the more understandable penis envy of Saddam Hussein. Here W would personally piss his final line in the sand.

Eight years later, he’s still pissing in the sand. He’s just changed sand piles.


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