Christmas Caroling Obviously Banned as “Offensive”

Oh yes, Christmas is coming, just around the corner in fact. The Festive Season of Peace on Earth and Good Will to all Men.

So, are we all prepared for an evening’s visit from our local Church group’s carol singers? Mince pies and mulled wine at the ready, along with a handful of shiny silver coins for the collection tin?

Er – actually no – the Spirit of Xmas, under new E-USSR ‘Scrooge’ legislation and personal household security guidelines, has gone the way of the dinosaur and is deader than the Dodo.

While the sound of carol singers at the door at Christmas is as traditional as stuffing the ubiquitous turkey, since the Treaty of Lisbon has now been ratified and the Brussels bully boys can impose their totalitarian iron will, carollers will be banned from approaching private houses anywhere in the European community.

Householders across the UK are being provided with posters by local council jobsworths that warn carol singers will not be welcome this Christmas because many residents are ‘uncomfortable’ with having groups of strangers knocking at the door of their manky mangers – even if they are posing as Wise Men and bearing gifts of gold, frankenstein and myrrh (WTF is myrrh?).

The posters are to be affixed to windows or garden gates – or hung from a Pit Bull’s collar – informing carol singers that their unsolicited ‘cold call’ intrusion is an assault on privacy and constitutes an act of gross harassment – and further advises that they fuck off sharpish-like and ply their joyful hymns and festive spirit elsewhere.

This latest piece of Big Brother fascism from Brussels has stunned residents and church leaders in Smegmadale who claim it goes against the message of Christmas and would really piss Jesus right off if he was around today – having the E-USSR banning the public utterance of Hallelujahs on his 2009th birthday celebrations bash.

Father Nick Mephistopheles, the Vicar of St. Sodom’s Chrurch of Latter Day Scallies told a reporter from the Heathens Gazette that carol singers were part of the Christmas tradition and branded the posters ‘a terrible state of affairs’.

However Smegmadale police Inspector Ebeneezer Killjoy informed a news hack from the Sad Bastards Gazette they had in past years received numerous complaints from residents that carol singers doing the rounds of the neighbourhood were simply an unwanted source of discordant cachophony with their bashing tambourines and triangles and warbling sentimental religious hymns which disturbed the evening viewing of Emmerdale and Strictly Come Bonking – especially so when one of their number came banging on the front door to cadge a few quid to buy mince pies for the local Tiny Tom Orphanage.

96-year old pensioner Gladys Scrunt opined to the media “I went ter the effin’ front door last Christmas ter give the carol singers a few bob and while I woz there one of their scally mates crept in through the kitchen window an’ nicked me telly – so Merry Christmas and the carol singers can go an’ eff’ off right proper like, if yer catch me drift.”

Ms Fellattia van der Gobble, spokeswoman for the Common Purpose social engineering and NLP brainwashing organisation – and herself a volunteer Civil Enforcement Officer for the local council’s Gestapo squad – told Pox News that the actual religious theme of Christmas and extolling the spirit thereof was offensive to minority sections of opposing faiths and complaints had been made by members of the Buddist, Jerwish, Muslim and Pancake Tuesday Adventist communities who considered carol singing an unwanted violation of their cultural sensibilities.

Conversely local BNP representative Ghengis McTwat told a reporter from the Bigots Review “Fellattia – as usual – is more full of shit than a Christmas goose.”

“Regardless of her Common Purpose do-gooders claiming these Muslim gits consider our Christmas celebrations and carol singing to be an affront to their sensibilities we have to put up with some infidel prick screamin his effin’ head off several times a day – pre-dawn an after dark – from the top of their manky mosque’s minaret! Now that does do yer effin’ head in.”

The E-USSR’s Department for Wasting Time and Money is currently considering implementing legislation to ban children from leaving out a mince pie and a glass of sherry or egg nog by the fireplace for Santa on Christmas Eve as they consider it promotes too much trust in young children and could lead to paedophile assaults.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via

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